It’s only a conspiracy theory until you find out it’s true.

I’m not saying a plane didn’t hit the Pentagon on 9/11. I’m just asking why there’s no clear footage of a plane approaching one of the most surveilled buildings on Earth.

And I’m not saying an advanced civilization existed before us. I’m just asking how ancient civilizations built structures we still struggle to replicate.

We made fun of Q-Anon. It seemed absurd that there was a cabal of elites locked in a pedophilia ring.

It was a conspiracy theory.
Until it was true.

So maybe it’s time you and I talk about those things you’re convinced you are right about.

Because what if you’re not right?
What if you are the conspiracy theorist?

You Question Everything… Until You Don’t

Skepticism is good.

We teach our kids to be skeptical. We want them to question things. After all, it’s the basis for learning critical thinking.

The most important trait of the most important minds throughout history, is their desire to question everything. Including their own beliefs.

Most leaders like to question things. In fact, many of them pride themselves on their questioning prowess.

They’ll question industry assumptions.
They’ll question expert opinions.
They’ll even question their employees’ ideas.

But there is one thing many leaders won’t question: Themselves

They don’t wonder whether their leadership style is a problem. And they rarely explore how their experience may blind them more than giving clarity.

As it so happens, the conspiracy theorist does the exact same thing.

The conspiracy theorist is certain of their beliefs.
That’s the problem.

The challenge is not that they question things. The challenge is that they are so certain of their beliefs, they stop questioning.

You do the same.

Questions Stop At The Edge Of Identity.

You think asking questions is good. You tell yourself that you’re curious. Curiosity is what makes you a good leader. At least that’s what it says in those books you’ve skimmed.

Reality is different.

You’ll question anything, as long as it threatens your point of view. But you’ll protect anything that reinforces your self-image.

Don’t believe me? Tell me which ones of these ring true…

• If you believe you’re the kind of leader who empowers people, you won’t question whether you’re actually micromanaging.

• If you believe you’re a person who trusts their instincts, you won’t question why your instincts do you wrong.

• If you rely on your experience, you won’t question whether your experience is now your limitation.

And that brings me to my leadership coaching client.

The VP Who Blamed Everything But Himself

Last year I worked with a company where the VP developed (what he thought was) a brilliant strategy to launch a new product.

Six months later, the launch didn’t succeed.

In the group debrief, the VP blamed the market because market conditions had changed.

He blamed the team because they didn’t execute the way he thought they should.

He blamed the timeline because the strategy would’ve worked if they had just a little more runway.

The only thing the VP didn’t blame in that meeting was the strategy itself.

After all, he had spent three months developing the darn thing. Questioning the strategy meant questioning his judgment, which meant questioning his identity as someone who is a savvy leader.

So the questions stopped.

Leaders don’t call me when things are great. They call me when there are complex problems that need an easy solution.

They’ll tell me that their team isn’t aligned, or accountability is nonexistent, or toxic people are contaminating the culture.

They want me to fix it.
No problem. It’s what I do.

What they don’t realize is that their explanations alone tell me almost all I need to know. They’ve questioned everything they can, every potential scenario that could have caused the issues - except for the one thing that is probably the actual cause: themselves.

Questioning the culture means questioning their value.
So they stop questioning.

Confirmation Bias Runs Both Ways

In last week’s article we discussed how the algorithm doesn’t show you the news, it shows you the news that you want to see. It doesn’t tell you the truth, it tells you the truth that you want to hear.

Your brain does the exact same thing.

You’ll remember the wins that validate your business prowess and forget the losses that question it.

Consciously or not, you are always looking for evidence to confirm what you already believe and you’ll dismiss the evidence that contradicts it.

Conspiracy theorists do it with theories, you do it with your beliefs,

Same mechanism. Different conclusions. You’re both convinced you’re right.

You think you’re being rational.
You think you’re following the evidence.
You think you’re asking the hard questions.

You are.
Just not about yourself.

Your beliefs are conspiracy theories you’ve convinced yourself are facts. The only difference is that you can’t see the conspiracy you created.

The Questions You Won’t Ask

So here’s what I want you to do:

Think about the beliefs you’ve never questioned.
Your leadership philosophy.
Your understanding of your team.
Your assessment of what’s working.

Now ask yourself one simple question:
What if I’m wrong?

Once you ponder that one, ask yourself the harder question:
What am I protecting by not questioning myself?

The conspiracy theorist won’t ask those questions.
But you’re not a conspiracy theorist, right?

Just remember, the questions you won’t ask are usually the ones you most need to answer.

INNER CIRCLE MEMBERS (aka paid subscribers) get free stuff! Including weekly AI Prompts that will help you understand your true self.

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He wrote a brilliant book called Atomic Habits. You probably read it, but if you’re one of the seven people in the world who hasn’t, here’s the basic summary.

If you focus on small, consistent habits that allow you to improve 1% per day, you can radically transform your life.

Now here’s my take on it.

It’s complete bullshit.

The Math Works. The Logic Doesn’t.

From a mathematical perspective, the 1% principle makes sense. It simply takes the concept of compound growth and applies it to daily habits. It’s fifth grade algebra. Improving by 1% every day is one to the 365th power, which results in a 37.7% increase at the end of the year.

The math works. And that’s all fine and nice. But there’s a very big and hugely incorrect assumption with his premise. It’s this:

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You know exactly what it’s about and why it’s important. You’re just not having it.

You’ve got reasons. Good ones, too.

The timing isn’t right.
It’s not that urgent.
You don’t want to damage the relationship.
You’ll handle it after this quarter.
After this project.
After things settle down.

Yeah, right.

Meanwhile the thing you’re not saying is taking up space. It’s in your head and smothers you in the room every time you’re with that person.

You’ve got a new dynamic with the person, even though you’re pretending that everything is the same.

In my leadership coaching work, I’ve watched leaders carry the weight of the unspoken conversations for months.

It’s not patience.
It’s something else.

And we’re going to find out what it is right this second.

This prompt defines the conversation you need to have, and tells you exactly why you keep not having it.

You already know what needs to be said.
It’s time to figure out why you keep stalling.

Run the prompt now. 👇🏽

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Every revolution in history started the same way.

Someone invented a new tool to spread information.
That changed who got to decide what was true.
Then the people who defined the old truth lost control to the ones who defined the new.

Turns out it’s happening again.
Right now.

To you.

The Communication Revolution

Before we get there, let’s first start with a little bit of history about communication and truth.

In the 1700s, newspapers gave Thomas Paine the tool that sparked the American Revolution. From that, the source of truth moved from kings to the community.

In the 1930s, radio gave Hitler the tool to reach every German household at once. Because of that, the source of truth moved from communities to national leaders.

In the 1960s, television let Americans watch racial brutality in their living rooms. And the source of truth moved from national leaders to institutions.

Then, in the 2010s, social media let the crowd spread information faster than institutions could control it. And the source of truth moved from institutions to everyone.

Every revolution was a fight for greater access to the truth. Individuals fighting the Church’s. Communities fighting the King.

It’s the same pattern every time - a new tool arrives, someone uses it to redefine the truth, and power shifts.

Until now.

The AI Revolution Is Different

AI is the new communication tool. We all know that by now. It’s transforming the way we communicate and it’s happening faster than any previous communication invention.

The revolution is coming.

But in every previous revolution throughout human history, you knew who controlled the truth and who was taking it away.

The Church controlled it.
The King.
The government.
The institutions.
The crowd.

But this time, the source of truth will not shift to anyone else.

You Don’t Live in Reality Anymore

Netflix has an amazing algorithm - it knows what you want to watch before you know it.

Amazon is good at it too. It knows what you’ll buy before you know you want to buy it.

But with both, you still feel like you’re in control. You have the power to choose.

Or do you?
Let me explain

Let’s assume you and your coworker like staying informed, and you both follow the news.

You both scroll through your feeds every morning, because that’s where the true news is told - the institutional outlets no longer hold the power, we already discussed that.

In your feed you see a variety of articles that talk about the precarious state of today’s economy.

• Recession is imminent

• The tech bubble is about to burst

• It’s time to prepare for economic collapse.

Meanwhile, your coworkers feed is full of articles that tell a different story:

• The economy is strong

• Tech companies are expanding

• We are in an economic boom and the stock market proves it

You both are experiencing the same economy on the same day and looking at the same platform. But you get two completely different stories.

And, here’s the thing - they’re both true.

There are sources and data and enough clear evidence to back up either side.

Each of you genuinely cannot understand how the other person can be so blind to the obvious truth. I mean, you have the proof and the data to defend your side beyond a reasonable doubt.

That’s no longer a difference of opinion.
That’s a difference of truth.

And it’s created a fractured society.

The algorithm doesn’t show you the truth.
It shows you YOUR truth. It gives you the truth that you want to hear.

Reality has become personalized and curated. Its goal is simply to keep you engaged.

But believe it or not, it gets worse.

It Learned You. Now It Runs You.

The algorithm doesn’t just show you different information, it shapes what you want and when you want it.

Remember that conversation we had a few seconds ago about Netflix and Amazon? Remember how you felt like you still had the power of choice? Well, since you trust those sites, their algorithms become your source of truth. And those truth-tellers are shaping what you want, and telling you when you want it, with the sole purpose of cajoling you into consuming more.

In fact, think back to those Instagram ads a few years back - the ones where every product they were selling seemed like a spammy scam. You couldn’t understand why anybody would buy that crap.

Then suddenly, over the past couple of years, the algorithm learned how you think.

Now when they show you an ad, you believe that you needed that product all along, you just didn’t know it.

So you buy it.

The algorithm learned you. It now knows:

• What you click on when you’re bored

• What you buy when you’re stressed

• What you believe when you’re uncertain

• And what you write about, talk about and learn about when you think nobody is watching

Then it gives you more of it. A lot more. And it does it in subtle ways so that even you believe that you’re seeing the truth.

The moment you click on one article about a topic, you’ll see more, each of which will further give you validation that your beliefs are true. You are right - and you were right all along. And the more you click, the more rightfully validated you will feel.

You will be convinced of the truth that you wanted to believe in the first place.

But the truth teller is controlling your mind. And it’s so good at it, you don’t even realize its happening.

You Think This Is Freedom

Here’s the part that makes this revolution even crazier:

You think this is freedom.

With previous revolutions, people knew they were being controlled. They could name the enemy.

The Church
The King
The government
The Man

They could fight the enemy. They could resist it.

But now?

You can’t even see the damn thing. There is no enemy to swing at. It’s already infiltrated your life and it’s infiltrated your mind.

You wake up. Turn on your phone and scroll. There you are in the algorithm. Your perception of the truth is molded into the model you’re most likely to believe.

You think you’re staying informed and making your own choices, but you’re being fed a curated reality.

You believe you’re truth is the right truth.
Of course you do.

But you’re being controlled.
You just can’t see who’s controlling you.

The Leaderless Revolution

In previous revolutions, the new communication channel allowed other people to gain control of the truth, become the new leaders and overcome the enemy.

In this revolution, no one is gaining control.
There are no leaders.

No Martin Luther.
No Thomas Paine.
And no MLK.

There’s just an algorithm, and it doesn’t give a shit who wins. It doesn’t even care what’s true.

It only cares that you keep clicking.

And since no one controls it, no one has accountability for what it does.

We gave the keys of civilization to an equation. And then we told it to maximize engagement.

Unlike every revolution before, this one isn’t aimed at giving you freedom. It’s aimed at taking it away.

And the craziest thing?
You’re taking your freedom away all by yourself.

One click at a time.

INNER CIRCLE MEMBERS (aka paid subscribers) get free stuff! Including weekly AI Prompts that will help you understand your true self.

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That’s not a hiring decision. That’s a comparison. And those aren’t the same thing.

This episode is about the bias nobody catches because it feels exactly like careful thinking. And the one question that exposes it before you make a decision y…

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Not some of it.
A lot of it.

And you know this.
You’ve known it for a while.

You’ve nodded along to the articles, maybe downloaded a tool or two. You’re probably using Gemini or ChatGPT in the same way you used to use Google and you think the results are pretty good. Not great, but good.

Meanwhile you’re still creating that same type of presentation and summarizing that same type of report.

You are still doing that same thing that produces the same output every single time, and takes you 45 minutes to complete it.

There’s a reason you haven’t let go of it.
And it’s not because you haven’t found the right tool - so stop with that excuse.

It’s also not because it has to be done by you. It doesn’t.

The reason you keep doing it is the same reason you haven’t let go of other things you should let go of.

It’s the same reason you’re still in meetings you shouldn’t be in, and why you don’t delegate as much as you should and why your calendar looks the way it does.

Today - right now - we are going to change that.

This prompt I created uncovers the tasks you should hand off to AI, but it doesn’t stop there.

It will tell you why you’re still doing those things you shouldn’t be doing.

Both parts are going to sting a little.
But you’re going to spend the time to run it anyway.

Because the 10 minutes it’ll take to have this conversation with AI will save you hours of headaches immediately.

Run the prompt now. 👇🏽

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Let’s call her Maria, because how do you solve a problem like Maria?

[Editors Note: 🙄]

Maria was the VP of Product at a Fortune 1000, and she had a problem.

Her team wasn’t nearly as productive as they needed to be. It seemed like nobody ever took ownership, decisions took forever to get made, and her group’s projects continually got delayed.

The ripple effect was turning into a tsunami.
Maria had run out of ideas on how to get her team to work better.

That’s when she called me.
She thought team coaching could help.

It was a good idea.
Just the wrong one.

The Real Problem With Maria

Maria is smart and self-aware. She knew who she was.
Kind of.

In just one conversation, she recognized her part in the dynamic. She had to do a better job at setting clear expectations and enforcing boundaries. In order to do that, she needed to have difficult conversations with three specific people on her team.

Simple enough, right?
Wrong.
But not for the reasons you think.

—

“So why haven’t you had those conversations yet?” I asked Maria.

She paused, either in thought or avoidance. Probably both.

“I hate confrontation,” she finally admitted, with her eyes cast down.

For the record, a lot of people hate confrontation. Not a lot will own it. Yay Maria.

But there’s a more important issue Maria uncovered that she didn’t even recognize.

She hated the problem she was having, but she also hated the solution.

And that, my friend, is the Double Hater Dilemma.

Where You’re Doing This Right Now

Once you start looking for the Double Hater Dilemma, you’ll see it everywhere.

The founder who won’t let go because they “care about quality” while being frustrated that nobody takes pride in their work.

The leader who won’t say no because they’re “always helpful” but is overwhelmed because they’re too busy to actually help anyone.

The boss who won't acknowledge employees because they "shouldn’t have to be so needy" and gets angry at their team when nobody feels valued.

The partner who won’t bring up problems because they’re “really easy going” but is full of resentment that’s destroying the relationship.

Raise your hand if you’ve experienced any one of those.
Yeah, I thought so.

How You Destroy Who You Want To Be

Let’s go back to Maria for a second.

“I’m not the kind of leader who pushes people a lot,” she told me during one of our conversations. “I don’t think it benefits anyone to add more tension.”

Did you notice what she said there?
Only her first sentence describes who she is. The second sentence describes who she’s NOT.

There’s a huge difference.

“I’m not the kind of person who creates tension” is not an identity.
It’s a fear.

You can’t build your identity on the fear of who you might become.

When someone says “I’m not the kind of person who…,” they’re not describing who they are. They’re describing what they’re afraid of becoming.

That’s the trap of the Double Hater Dilemma.

You think you’re protecting who you are by avoiding the things you hate. Instead, you’re just destroying who you want to be.

What Happened With Maria

Ok, one more thing about Maria.

I asked her, “What kind of leader do you actually want to be?”

“I want to be the kind of leader who cares about people and gets results.” she said.

That is a powerful and commendable identity.
There’s only one problem.

A leader who cares about people and gets results, can’t avoid hard conversations. Maria was avoiding hard conversations.

Once she recognized that (and got over the shock), everything clicked for her.

She wasn’t protecting her identity by avoiding confrontation. She was destroying it.

I taught her the CARE approach to mastering difficult conversations and within a week - whamo! - everything shifted.

The way out of the Double Hater Dilemma isn’t about changing how you do things. It’s about understanding who you are.

The Question Your Dilemma Is Asking

There’s something else about the Double Hater Dilemma you need to know: it’s not actually a dilemma.

[Editor’s Note: plot twist]

It’s a question.

The question is: which identity are you protecting - the fake future one you built out of fear, or the real one you actually value?

Maria thought her identity was "not confrontational." But her real identity was someone who "cares about people and gets results."

Now let’s talk about you.

The Two Questions That Break The Loop

Think about the thing you complain about the most - the problem you hate living with that has a solution you procrastinate on implementing.

There’s a reason you’re not fixing the problem. So answer these questions:

1. What kind of person do you think you are?
   Finish this: “I am the kind of person who…”

2. What kind of person do you NOT want to be?
   Finish this: “I’m not the kind of person who…”

3. Now rewrite #2 as “I am fearful of becoming somebody who…”

That’s the start. The rest of the path is in the Double Hater Breakthrough Toolkit (below).

Hit reply and tell me: what's the thing you hate living with, that has a solution you keep avoiding? I read and respond to every message. (And sometimes use the conversation as inspiration.)

You Can’t Have Both

You can’t solve the Double Hater Dilemma by choosing between the two things you hate. You solve it by realizing the identity you’re protecting is stopping you from being the person you actually want to be.

So you have to decide:

Do you want to be the person who protects a fake future identity and stays stuck?
Or the one who lives your real identity and solves the problem?

You can’t be both.

P.S. The hardest part of the Double Hater Dilemma isn't seeing it. It's knowing which identity you're actually protecting. That's what the Double Hater Breakthrough Toolkit is designed to show you.

The Double Hater Breakthrough Toolkit walks you through the exact process I use with leaders at early stage to Fortune 100s.

It includes:

• Complete diagnostic

• Identity decoder worksheets

• Real-time pattern-breaking strategies

Get The Double Hater Toolkit Now

INNER CIRCLE MEMBERS (aka paid subscribers) get all toolkits and resources for free! Become a member now and get the Double Hater Toolkit AND the CARE Conversation Toolkit for free

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Then you rolled it out... and nobody cared.

Not because your team is lazy. Because you forgot to have this conversation.

This episode is about the one conversation most leaders skip that determines whether a plan actually works.

--

Are you ready to see your Unconscious Operating System?

Once you see it, you’ll never be able to unsee it again.
Sign up for the FREE Leadership Diagnostic Workshop.

www.thebestleadershipcompany.com/leadership-diagnostic-workshop

They always have a reason why things are so hard.
There’s some circumstance, or some decision someone made, that caused them to be stuck

And the story is (usually) mostly true.
That’s what makes it so dangerous.

Because a story doesn’t have to be a lie to be a trap. It just has to be incomplete. And the part that’s missing - the part where you had more influence than the story allows - is almost always the part nobody explores.

Until now.
This prompt finds the part of your excuses that are all on you - but you don’t see them.

It exposes you the role you’ve written for yourself, and pulls the curtain back on your Omission Bias, and that Confirmation Bias that’s cowering in the corners of your Unconscious Operating System.

What if you have more ability to change your life than you’ve been letting yourself believe?

You don’t know what you don’t know, but this prompt is going to reveal it.
Run the prompt below. 👇🏽

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That difficult conversation you need to have - it’s not going to go well.

You know it.
I know it.
We all know it.

You recognize that you need to have the conversation… but you’re not going to do it quite yet. It’s not that you’re procrastinating, you’re just waiting for the right moment. Whatever the hell that means.

You keep waiting because you know it’s going to go poorly.
And you’re right.

Not because the conversation is difficult.
Because you are.

The Energy You Don’t Notice

Here’s what happens.

You rehearse the conversation in your head for days. You practice what you’ll say and how you’ll say it. You figure out your response to their response to your response to their response.

One day, you finally find the courage to have the convo.

You pull them aside and, before you even say a single word, they can sense something’s wrong.

You don’t even get past the nervous niceties before their legs are crossed, arms folded over their chest, and their face is braced for battle.

“I knew this would be difficult,” you think to yourself. “This is exactly what I thought would happen.”

But the one thing you didn’t expect is the one thing you’re ignoring.
It’s all happening because of you.

Why Amy Never Had A Chance

I worked with a leader - let’s call her Amy, because that was the name of my college girlfriend and she reminds me of difficult conversations.

Amy needed to talk to an employee about missing deadlines.

She spent a week preparing for the conversation, as if it were an Olympic main court matchup.

She planned to have the talk on a Friday afternoon so she could make a quick escape and have the weekend to recover.

When she finally started the conversation, Amy it began by saying, “You’re always late on every project and it’s unacceptable and disrespectful.”

From that moment on, the conversation went exactly how Amy expected. The employee got defensive and made excuses and they disagreed with each other until they both quit the conversation frustrated.

Amy called me for help. She described the scenario and ended with, “This is exactly why I hate those types of conversations.”

But what really happened was different than what she was telling me. Both her brain and her employee’s brain did what human brains have been doing for millennia: they defended themselves.

I am going to teach you an easy way to put the ole kabosh on that.

The Exact Things You’re Doing Wrong

There are three reasons why Amy’s conversation had no chance of going well.

1. She waited a week to have it. That built up her anxiety so much, she was like a lit fuse looking for a bomb to explode.

2. She over-generalized behavior by using words like “always” and “every” and “never”.

3. She made it personal by calling him “disrespectful”.

All of that happened before she finished her opening sentence. She essentially lost control of the conversation before it even started.

The bad news is that you’re probably doing the same damn thing.

You're scheduling "serious conversations" instead of just talking.
You're using "always", “every” and "never."
You're talking about who they are, instead of what they did.
And you're subtly berating them - usually before you've finished your opening sentence.

Every single one of these behaviors tells the brain it’s being attacked. And when someone feels attacked, they defend.

That’s not them being difficult.
That’s a you problem.

And The Difficult Conversation Not Just At Work

Before I give you the solution, I need you to understand something:

This isn’t just about work. Your patterns show up everywhere.

• The conversation you’re avoiding with your kid about that thing they did.

• The conversation you need to have with your partner about how they spoke to you.

• The boundary you need to set with your parent about their advice.

I guarantee that you’re running the same unconscious pattern and getting the same frustrating results.

The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.

If you’re avoiding conflict at work, you’re also avoiding it at home - and vice versa. You are destined to repeat the same mistakes.

So let me show you how to fix it.

The C.A.R.E. Conversation Solution

To turn difficult conversations into easy ones, all you need to do is use a simple conversational model that removes all the confrontational energy. Easy peasy.

It’s called a C.A.R.E. conversation and, gosh dangit, it’s magical.

The reason it works is because it makes it virtually impossible to sound like you're attacking someone. Because you're not. You're just solving a problem and you’re doing it together.

Sounds good, right?
I know.

Here’s how the C.A.R.E. conversation works:

C - Clarity
Clearly define the behavior in question, but do it without any emotion.

A - Ask
Ask them for their perspective on what happened.

R - Resolution
Discuss what you each can do differently moving forward.

E - Empathy
End the conversation with respect, acknowledgement and empathy.

You know what, how about I give you an example so you can put it all together.

Here’s Your C.A.R.E. Example

The situation
Alex missed a deadline and it impacted other people.

Clarity
”Hey Alex, I want to touch base about the client report. It was due Wednesday but was delivered on Friday. Unfortunately that pushed back other teams and almost caused a delay in meeting the client deadline.”

Ask
”Can you walk me through what happened on your side?”

[Alex responds. You listen. Like really listen.]

Resolution
”Got it, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for explaining that. Going forward, I will make sure I’m more clear on the deadlines. Also, it would help if you let me know in advance anytime a deadline is at risk. Any concerns about that?

From your side, what would help you hit the deadlines more consistently?”

Empathy
”I know you’re working hard on these projects and I really appreciate all you’re doing. I also know these timelines can get tight. Thanks for having this conversation.”

It Changed My Life And It Will Change Yours

When I started teaching leaders how to have C.A.R.E. conversations, the glowing feedback was immediate.

Why? Because the conversation suddenly isn’t difficult anymore. It’s exactly how I worked my way out of my fear of difficult conversations. It just turns it into a couple of people solving a problem together.

It changed my life and it will change yours.
It’s time to put an end to your anxiety about those difficult conversations.

Your C.A.R.E. Toolkit - The Solution For Difficult Conversations

I’ve created the complete C.A.R.E. Conversation Toolkit with

• Scripts for 12 common scenarios

• Before/after comparisons, and

• A prep worksheet to plan your specific C.A.R.E. conversation

It’s what hundreds of leaders use to turn difficult conversations into productive discussions - and to transform a culture when a team is underperforming.

Members of The Inner Circle get the toolkit for free (and every other toolkit) below. Become a member - or buy it for a one-time fee.

Start Having Easy Conversations

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When you promote loyalty over performance, you just told your best people exactly how much their work matters.

Spoiler: they’ll act accordingly.

This episode is about what your last promotion really said about you.

--

Are you ready to see your Unconscious Operating System?

Once you see it, you’ll never be able to unsee it again.
Sign up for the FREE Leadership Diagnostic Workshop.

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Maybe you know what it is, but if you’re anything like my leadership coaching clients, you most likely don’t.

It’s not that you made a bad decision. You’re a smart person with good intentions, so let’s assume it was a good one.

It’s also not that the decision was too important for other people to handle.
It wasn’t.

The problem is that you made a decision simply because you thought it felt wrong to have somebody else do it.

So you did it yourself.

Maybe you told yourself it’s faster that way. Maybe you convinced yourself that nobody else has the context needed to decide effectively.

Or maybe you keep promising that you’ll delegate more as soon as things settle down a little.

Meanwhile, other people on your team are wondering why you’re doing their job for them. They’re wondering what decisions are actually theirs - and which ones you’ve just pretended are theirs.

And you don’t even know this is happening.
It’s all going on in your leadership blind spots.

It’s time you saw your decision-making the way that everybody else does.

This prompt isn’t about how you delegate better - that’s a whole different cup of coffee.

This prompt will reveal what you’re actually protecting by not letting go. What you believe about yourself that makes hoarding control feel better than trusting others.

Are you ready for the truth?
Because I’m not sure you can handle the truth.

You might want to brace yourself for this one.
Run the prompt below. 👇🏽

Read more

Here’s how weird your brain is…

Imagine two buckets, each filled with 100 beads.

The first one has exactly 50 red and 50 black beads.

The second also has 100 beads, but you don’t know the mix. It could be 50 red and 50 black. Could be 92 red and 8 black. It could be anything.

I will pick a bead from a bucket. If it’s the color you choose, you win $1m.

Here’s the challenge:
First, pick a color: red or black.
Next, pick a bucket: the 50/50 or the unknown mix.

So which bucket do you choose?

If you’re like most people, you picked the first bucket - the one with the 50/50 split. Am I right?

Even though the other bucket might give you better odds, you chose the first bucket because you know those odds are certain.

That actually makes sense. I get your choice.
But here’s where it gets weird.

If you change your choice of bead color, you’ll still pick the bucket with the 50/50 chance.

In case you’re not following along, this means that you think the unknown bucket has too few red beads AND too few black beads - which defies all senses of logic.

But your brain apparently doesn’t care about that - because your brain is designed to choose clarity over uncertainty, even if it isn’t logical.

That’s called the Ellsberg Paradox - and it’s an unconscious pattern your brain repeats every day.

You’re Doing It Right Now

Let me give you a real world example that I see all the time in my executive coaching work.

Let’s say you’ve got an important project that needs to get done - and get done well.

You don’t want to delegate it to your team because you don’t think they can do a good job. They’re just not experienced enough.

But you can’t bring on a consultant to help because they don’t know the intricacies of the business.

That’s quite a predicament you have.

So you keep doing everything yourself.

Suddenly you’re working 60 hour weeks and continually complaining about being overwhelmed. But, hey, at least your projects are done the way you want them, right?

You’ll go to your grave defending your decision because you’re doing what’s best for the company.

Or so you’ve convinced yourself.

What you’re actually doing is rejecting every option that includes uncertainty.

Which happens to be every option.

You’re doing the same damn thing you did with the buckets and beads - ignoring ambiguity because you’re scared the odds could be against you.

Which doesn’t make any logical sense. But I never said you were logical.

What This Actually Looks Like

I worked with a CEO last year - let’s call him David, because that’s my dad’s name and we all know my father wasn’t my client.

It was important that David hire a head of sales, but he was having trouble filling the role.

Nobody internally was “ready for the role,” and every external candidate “didn’t understand the business or have the right contacts.”

So the role stayed empty.

For two years.

David took on the sales job himself. But he wasn’t a sales person.

He continued to tell everyone how badly the company needed someone to lead sales. But he wasn’t really looking for a sales person, he was looking for certainty.

And since none of the options had certainty, he decided to not decide. Which is the worst decision.

By the time I talked with David, the opportunity cost of his decision was in the millions of dollars.

That’s the Ellsberg Paradox.

You’d rather live with an outcome that you know is bad, than risk an outcome you don’t know - even though it might actually be better.

The Pattern You’ve Created

When faced with uncertainty, you will choose the predictable option - even if the predictable option is bad.

• You will keep the underperforming employee for too long instead of taking the risk in hiring someone new.

• You will do all the work yourself because you know the quality, rather than delegate and not know what will be created.

• You will stay in the relationship even though you’re not happy, rather than face the uncertain risk of being single.

Every time you do this your brain thinks you’re protecting yourself. You think you’re playing it safe.

Except you’re not safe.
You’re just failing in a very predictable way.

And here’s where it gets worse:

If you maintain a pattern of always choosing predictable outcomes, you’ll create an environment where any risk feels dangerous.

That environment will reinforce your pattern of avoiding uncertainty. Which strengthens the risk-averse environment. And on and on it goes in an endless Pattern-Environment Loop.

Eventually, you could get stuck in a life where everything outside your comfort zone feels dangerous. And eventually you’ll just stop trying.

And that’s when your A players will leave. That’s when you’ll wonder why life has become so difficult.

It’s because of you.

What You’re Actually Protecting

When you do this, you honestly believe you’re doing what’s best. But the only thing you’re really doing is trying to protect your identity.

Because if you promote someone and they fail, that says something about your judgment.

And if you delegate the work and it isn’t perfect, that says something about your standards.

And if you end the relationship and it doesn’t work out, that says something about your worth.

The risk isn’t that the decision might be wrong.
The risk is that you might be wrong.

The Decision You Keep Not Making

Look at the decisions you’ve been avoiding - and the ones you’ve made with the results you don’t like.

Are you rejecting the other options because they are too uncertain - even though the status quo kinda sucks?

If you think you’re being careful by doing that, you’re wrong. All you’re doing is trying to protect your identity by destroying your sanity.

You’re choosing the thing that’s familiar simply because it’s predictable.

But you have to remember, the devil you know is still a devil.

And continually picking the same bucket for both colors doesn’t make you careful. It makes you stuck.

-

If you want to see which patterns are running your decisions, that’s exactly what the free Leadership Diagnostic Workshop is for.
Secure your spot here →

P.S. The decision you keep finding reasons to delay? That’s the Ellsberg Paradox doing exactly what it’s designed to do. Don’t let it win.

There are 5 skills that every company needs every employee to master. The catch? They don’t teach you how to do them. That’s all on you. And if you don’t figure it out, somebody else is always going to get that promotion.

Listen to this rant, and let me know your position on the matter (my contact info is below)

--

Are you ready to see your Unconscious Operating System?

Once you see it, you’ll never be able to unsee it again.
Sign up for the FREE Leadership Diagnostic Workshop.

www.thebestleadershipcompany.com/leadership-diagnostic-workshop

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hello@TheBestLeadershipCompany.com

Your team already knows what you think of them.
They figured it out a long time ago.

Not from what you said, but from how you said it.
From who you called first when something went wrong.
From the micro-expressions you think nobody catches.

They know. Trust me on that one.

The only person in the room who doesn’t, is you.

At some point in the leadership coaching relationship, I ask each of my clients to describe their teams to me. It’s not because I want to know about the team members.

It’s because the words they choose tell me more about the leader than the people they’re describing.

Some employees may be described as “sharp” and “reliable” while others may be described as “trying” and “needs development”. Since I don’t know the employees, I can’t pretend to know how they act, but I can understand how their boss views each of them.

Here’s the thing most leaders don’t realize: what you believe about the people around you becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It’s a brain shocker the moment you realize that your underperforming employee isn’t failing - you are.

It’s time to learn the truth.

Run the prompt below. 👇🏽

Read more

A marriage doesn’t end with a divorce settlement.
It ends that moment you decided that the conversations are no longer worth having.
The paperwork just makes it official.

And that’s the part you don’t see.

You think things end when they break.
They don’t.

They end the moment you stop caring.

Because that’s not when you have a problem.
That’s when you become the problem.

You Don’t Have Standards

You say you value honesty.
You say you value accountability.
You claim to value transparency.

But you don’t have standards. You have preferences.
There’s a big difference.

Because if someone lies to you and you keep them around…
You don’t actually value honesty.

If someone continually misses deadlines and you keep giving them “another chance”…
You don’t really value accountability.

And if someone keeps lying and you tolerate it…
You definitely don’t value transparency.

You value comfort.
And avoiding conflict.
And you value not having to deal with the important things that make you uncomfortable.

If that’s who you are, that’s fine.

But you need to pull yourself up to the adulting table and stop pretending you’re somebody different.

You’re not.
You’re you.

So look in the fucking mirror and either accept what you see, or make a concerted effort to change it.

Neither option is easy.
But, as it turns out, you have to choose one of them anyway.

This Isn’t Really About Leadership

Think about what’s not working in your life. Think about that thing you thought you were really going to do. That person you thought you were really going to be.

It hasn’t quite happened like you planned, has it?
I didn’t think so.

What moment was the turning point?

Maybe it’s that person you should have talked to - that uncomfortable conversation you should have had.

Perhaps it’s that decision you should have made sooner - or the gut feeling you should have acknowledged.

But you didn’t.

And now it’s bigger. Or harder. Or messier.
And you’re still not addressing it.

If you haven’t realized yet, this isn’t about leadership.
It’s about you.

Your Values Aren’t What You Say

Your values aren’t the words coming out of your mouth - or what’s written in that core values deck stored somewhere on your Google drive.

Your values are how you act every single day. How you talk. How you make decisions.

You don’t discover your values in a journal.
You discover them by looking at your life and understanding the patterns of the things you won’t tolerate.

You may not have clearly defined your values yet. That’s because you haven’t been paying attention to your own behavior.

If you repeatedly say, “I’m a terrible liar.” And then you don’t lie.
→ You value honesty.

If you feel frustrated with people and think, “Just spit it out and tell me the damn truth.”
→ You value transparency.

When you look at others and think, “If you say you’ll do it, do it.”
→ You value accountability.

Does that make it a little more clear?

Because here’s the part you’re not going to like:

You’re still letting people trample all over your values.

If you pay attention, you’ll feel it in those moments of frustration. It comes with the increased anxiety. You’ll feel yourself feeling triggered and lashing out with words like those above.

I know you do this, because I do it too.

I Learned This The Expensive Way

I trusted people.
I trusted they’d keep my secrets.
I trusted that they also trusted me.

I assumed everyone would treat me like I treated them.
But they didn’t. They don’t.

At one point, I lost $15 million because of my trust. Because, I didn’t stay true to my values.

I won’t go into the details, but I’ll tell you that it could’ve been avoided. I could’ve paid attention to the signs.

Instead, I ignored them. I let my ego take over. I convinced myself that everything would be fine. And, by doing that, I let them trample all over the things I value most.

That’s how you lose.

It doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in the small decisions that prove you don’t really care - even though you think you do.

You start losing the moment you justify the warning signs.

Make It So Simple You Can’t Hide From It

If your values aren’t clear to you, you’ll always violate them.
If they aren’t memorable, you’ll always forget them.
And if you don’t enforce your values, they don’t really exist.

Mine are Honesty, Integrity and Transparency.
HIT.
I didn’t choose them. They chose me.

Because all my habits over my adult life have proved their importance. Because I’ve paid for ignoring them - emotionally, mentally and financially.

Now, I refuse to tolerate any deviation from those values. It’s my hard red line.

I don’t care how rich you are, how famous you are, how many social followers you have. If I can’t trust you, I don’t need you in my life.

The Truth You’re Avoiding

Here’s the truth…

Every time you let something violate your values, you train yourself to ignore what you know is wrong.

In the process, you also teach everyone else that you don’t really mean what you say.

Your behavior creates the environment that reinforces the behavior.
That’s the loop.
The Pattern-Environment Loop.

And unless you interrupt it, it won’t change.
It will just become who you are.

So don’t tell me you’re a victim of other people’s behavior.
Don’t tell me you have a culture problem.
Or a people problem.
Or a communication problem.

You have a standards problem.

What Are You Still Tolerating?

So here is my question for you:

What are your non-negotiables?

Not the ones you post on the wall - the ones you’ll fall on a sword for.

And, more importantly, what are you tolerating right now that violates them?

Because that’s not a small issue.
That’s the start of where it all ends.

P.S. The patterns you’re tolerating right now won’t disappear on their own. But they do become visible - fast - when you know where to look.

That’s exactly what the free Leadership Diagnostic Workshop is for.
Secure your spot here →

Are you more lonely than you were seven years ago? Because we might be in a loneliness epidemic and nobody is recognizing it - or looking for a cure. It’s not going to magically change on it’s on.

Listen to this rant, and let me know your position on the matter (my contact info is below)

--

Are you ready to see your Unconscious Operating System?

Once you see it, you’ll never be able to unsee it again.
Sign up for the FREE Leadership Diagnostic Workshop.

www.thebestleadershipcompany.com/leadership-diagnostic-workshop

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The Best Leadership Newsletter Ever (join 14k subscribers) :: www.TheBestLeadershipNewsletter.com

Coaching, Consulting + Keynote Speaking :: www.TheBestLeadershipCompany.com

Contact Jeff Matlow :: hello@TheBestLeadershipCompany.com

It’s the thing a good leadership coach would see immediately.
The thing people talk about after you leave the room.

It’s that thing that shows up in every one of your reviews, maybe dressed in different language, but always hinting towards something “you might want to work on".”

Most people have been carrying their thing around for years.
I’m guessing you have too.

Not because you lack self-awareness - I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt there.

You’ve been carrying the thing around because nobody in your life has the guts to tell you directly. Your boss softens it. Your peers work around it.

I’m not that type of guy.
It’s time to tell you the thing that you need to hear.

This prompt doesn’t beat around the bush.

It understands your actual patterns, your actual behavior, and your actual blind spots.

Then it tells you the one thing — not five things, not some silly framework — the One. Thing. that could change everything else for you, if you actually worked on it.

Make it your number one priority for the next ninety days… and your life will be transformed.

Are you ready…?
Lets do it.

Run the prompt below. 👇🏽

These mind-blowing AI prompts are exclusively for The Inner Circle.

Join The Inner Circle for access to this prompt and all the others.

If you’re ready to learn about your Unconscious Operating System, these prompts are you gateway drug.

Once you see it, you’ll never be able to unsee it again.

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Read more

Let me put your dog’s sense of smell in perspective.

You can smell a drop of perfume when it’s trapped in a small room.
Your dog can smell it across an entire football stadium.1

Insane, right?
But that’s just the beginning.

Your dog doesn’t just have a better sense of smell than you. They have a completely different one.

You smell the current odor.
Your dog smells the past, present and future.

When you’re standing on the grass with your dog, you smell… grass. At best.

But your dog doesn’t just smell the grass, it smells the animal that walked through that grass two hours ago, which direction it traveled, whether it was sick, scared or angry, male or female, and what it ate for its last meal.

You can be in the same exact place as your dog, and each of you will experience a completely different reality.

The problem we have, as humans, is that we assume all beings experience the world the same way we do.

And that’s why it pains me to tell you this: you do the same exact thing with other people.

The Standard You’re Using Is Wrong

Most leaders assume their team experiences work the same way they do.

If something is easy for you, you automatically assume it’s easy for others. If something is difficult for you, you’ll assume it’s difficult for them too.

You’re evaluating other people using the only sensory system you have:

Your own.

One of my leadership coaching clients, Tessa, is a great example of this.

Tessa is charismatic in a way that’s almost annoying to the rest of us who have to work hard at it.

People like her immediately.
She can network with anyone at any time, has the ability to easily influence people and can build relationships in just one conversation.

(See? I told you it’s annoying.)

Tessa is very good at her job. And that’s exactly why she almost fired one of her best employees.

Here’s the story…

She took over a new department, and inherited an account manager who is a naturally shy and quiet person. He’s more analytical than emotional, has a noticeable stutter and, because of this, he prefers email over phone or zoom.

He doesn’t do small talk.
He’s not charismatic and I’m guessing that networking with strangers is one of his biggest nightmares.

“He’s not a culture fit at all,” Tessa told me during one of our conversations. “I think I need to replace him.”

But when I asked more questions, here’s what I learned.

• Clients trusted him. A lot.

• He had a renewal rate higher than anyone else on the team.

• He built relationships with people, but in a different way than Tessa understood. He did it slowly and purposefully. Not with charisma and direct influence, but with reliability and consistency.

Tessa assumed he just got lucky getting renewals with easy clients. She convinced herself that the company could do even better if someone who was more of a culture fit were in that role.

In other words, Tessa was judging the account manager against the only standard of measurement she truly understood: her own.

She and the account manager were existing in the same department with the same goals, but they were each experiencing the world in a completely different way.

Your Brain Is Protecting You

You’re probably thinking that you don’t do what Tessa does. You think you’re different - that you can see everybody for who they are.

That’s cute.
And wrong.

You are like everyone else - you evaluate others by comparing them to yourself. You don’t do it consciously. It’s part of your Unconscious Operating System.

You’re most drawn to people who think like you. Ones who solve problems like you and communicate the way you do.

Those types of people feel more familiar to you, so you tend to trust them faster. As a leader, you usually give them more responsibility and promote them faster.

If you have favorites (which I hope you don’t, but you probably do2), they’re most likely going to be people who match more closely to your reality.

On the other hand, the people who don’t operate like you just feel a little… well… off.

They’re harder for you to understand and more challenging for you to trust. So you most likely keep them at a distance.

Of course you don’t mean to - and I’m sure you’ll give me all the reasons why that’s not who you are. But you do it anyway.

Trust me. It’s the way your Unconscious Operating System works.

Over time, something unfortunate will inevitably happen: Your team will start to seem the same.
Same strengths. Same thinking patterns. Same blind spots.

A lot of leaders call that “a strong culture.”

I call bullshit on that.

You haven’t built a strong culture - you’ve built a system that rewards familiarity and filters out difference.

You’ve built a team that can only operate within the type of world you experience.

The Superstars You’re Missing

There are probably people on your team right now with exceptional abilities you don’t even recognize. You are not attuned to the way they experience the world.

It’s a problem.

The most valuable abilities on a team are usually the ones that operate outside your own perspective.

The strategist who thinks in chess moves years ahead would benefit from a detail-oriented thinker who spots ticking time-bombs before they explode.

An outgoing influencer who thrives on social interaction would benefit from a quiet relationship builder to balance each other out.

These different types of people aren’t rare, they’re just harder to understand if you’re only measuring the world with your own senses.

The One Who Makes You Uncomfortable

Think about your team.

Is there anyone who makes you slightly uncomfortable because you don’t fully understand what makes them good? Maybe they have behaviors that trigger your frustration?

The truth is that they may have the world perspective that is vitally important to you and your team’s success.

Your team could be full of superstar talent you don’t even recognize. Because you’re judging them against the only measurement you have: yourself.

That’s not a limitation in them.

That’s a limitation in you.

PS — The person on your team you find hardest to understand? That discomfort is feedback about yourself that’s worth paying attention to.

I put on free Leadership Diagnostic Workshops that help you identify all the patterns holding you back, and how to overcome them.

Secure your spot in a Diagnostic Workshop now

It’s not about how you do the writing, it’s about how your words resonate in the end. So stop judging people for using AI as a writing partner.

Listen to this rant, and let me know your position on the matter (my contact info is below)

--

Are you ready to see your Unconscious Operating System?

Once you see it, you’ll never be able to unsee it again.
Sign up for the FREE Leadership Diagnostic Workshop.

www.thebestleadershipcompany.com/leadership-diagnostic-workshop

--

The Best Leadership Newsletter Ever (join 14k subscribers) :: www.TheBestLeadershipNewsletter.com

Coaching, Consulting + Keynote Speaking :: www.TheBestLeadershipCompany.com

Contact Jeff Matlow :: hello@TheBestLeadershipCompany.com