342. Obama, Kirk, and the Leadership Lesson You Need Right Now
What do Obama, Erika Kirk, and a blunt VP have in common? They all reveal the same uncomfortable truth about leadership: you can't shake hands with a clenched fist.
This is The Best Leadership Newsletter Ever, the most fun way to learn life’s leadership lessons. My name is Jeff Matlow. I am a 3x entrepreneur, author, keynote speaker and leadership coach.
I help leaders and their teams solve their biggest problems fast.
Of the five reasons HR people hire me, here are two of them:
Ensure their newly promoted - or newly hired - leaders are successful within their first 90 days.
To coach employees on performance improvement plans (PIP) and get them back on the right track.
You’d be surprised at how good my success rate is. Truthfully, I’m sometimes surprised by it too.
(Want to know how I do it? email me)
A couple of weeks ago, I got contacted by an HR leader of a mid-sized company for a unique scenario: she wanted me to coach a woman who 1) had been promoted to her first VP role this year, and 2) had just been put on a PIP.
You just don’t hear those two things happening simultaneously all too often.
This VP (let’s call her Sarah, ‘cause that’s her name) is good at her job.
That’s why she got the promotion.
Sarah knows she’s good at her job, and she acts like she’s better than everyone else.
That’s why she’s on the PIP.
In a nutshell, Sarah has communication challenges. Actually, saying “Sarah has communication challenges” is like saying “the ocean is a little damp.” It doesn’t quite capture the full scope of the situation.
Sarah is blunt. Some call it rude. In fact, most call it rude. Hence the PIP. Hence me. Hence this conversation we’re having.
Sarah’s communication style angers other people so much that they don’t want to work with her. Heck, even some of her direct reports have asked to move departments.
I took on the task of coaching Sarah for two reasons:
First, I love working with high performers, and Sarah clearly is one.
Second, I love challenges. And Sarah clearly is one of those, too.
It didn’t take me long to recognize that Sarah is guarded. She talks a lot and, to the casual person, she seems like she’s emotionally transparent. But she isn’t. She’s hiding pain.
Sometimes people can talk a lot about themselves and still be hiding everything they are.
The telltale giveaway is their level of self-awareness. Sarah isn’t so interested in it. Instead, she justifies her behavior in a way that simply validates the image of herself that she wants to convey.
In her mind, she is the only one at the company who tells the truth. In her mind, people don’t like her because they are inferior workers who are jealous of her superior ability.
In her mind, Sarah is the victim. And she’s a master at that game.
But victims are hiding hurt. Being the victim means you can’t (or won’t) acknowledge your part in creating the pain. To maintain your image of perfection, you have to make every problem somebody else’s fault - you have to play the victim.
Yesterday, after twenty minutes of listening to Sarah badmouth and disrespect her colleagues, I stopped her to ask if she had made any attempt to mend the relationships and see things from their perspective.
After all, Sarah had already acknowledged that empathy is part of being a successful leader. And since she sees herself as a successful leader, surely she has empathy, right?
“Why would I want to talk to them?” she asked me rhetorically. “They clearly don’t like me - they’re jealous of me. I have no need to speak with them.”
And that’s when I started thinking about President Obama and Charlie Kirk. Or, more accurately, Charlie Kirk’s wife, Erika.
That Thing Obama Once Said
In his first inaugural address back in 2009, Obama talked about his intention to build relationships with adversarial world leaders. There’s a line he said that still resonates with me, 15 years later. This is it:
We will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist.
It’s a brilliant line. The visual is so clear, and the meaning is obvious. You see, you can’t shake hands with a clenched fist. It’s uncomfortable to even embrace with a clenched fist.
Connection begins with open arms and extended hands.
You know what, I’ve got something I want you to try.
👉🏽 Think of a person you don’t get along with.
Go ahead, I’m sure there’s somebody that comes to mind.
How about that person at work you think is rude? 😡
Or that other person who makes bad jokes, or never smiles. 🤬
Maybe it’s that person who always wears the funny socks that you don’t find so funny. 🧦
[Editor’s Note: I see what you’re doing. stop mentioning my socks, it’s not funny.]
How do you feel when you think of interacting with that person?
Do you close up emotionally?
Do you feel withdrawn?
Maybe you do your best to avoid them at all costs.
That’s OK, but here’s my question:
What if you decided to let it go?
What would it look like if you decided to unclench your fist and extend your hand?
That Thing Erika Kirk Just Said
You may have heard some clips from Charlie Kirk’s funeral.
Only three days after her husband was brutally assassinated by a sniper’s hate-filled trigger finger, Charlie Kirk’s wife, Erika, stood in front of the world to mourn him.
☞ It would be easy for her to be angry. Most of us would be if we were in her shoes.
☞ It would be easy for her to hate.
☞ It would be easy for her to stand with clenched fists and scream at the injustice in the world.
But Erika didn’t do that.
“The answer to hate is not hate,” she said in a subtle nod to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. “The answer to hate is love. Always love.”
Erika was facing a world of clenched fists - a world that fully expected her to stand with clenched fists as well - but she dared to extend her hand.
And if Erika can do it, standing on an international stage, forgiving the assassin that tore her family apart 72 hours earlier, I know you can too.
So let’s get back to you.
How To Extend Your Hand
Let’s get back to that person you’re having a tough time with. The one who just won’t see things your way.
You’re both standing there with clenched fists. You’re both unable to break the barrier of tension because you’re both uninterested in being the one to take another first step.
☞ But what would it look like if you did?
☞ What would happen if you were to unclench your proverbial fist and extend your hand - proverbial or not?
☞ What would happen if you were to accept them as who they are? To see the world from their point of view, where their point of view makes sense.
What would it look like for you to show enough empathy to understand them? Maybe even forgive them. Because if Erika Kirk can forgive the person who left her children fatherless, surely you can forgive that person with the personality you haven’t tried to understand.
Think about that.
That’s all I ask. Just think about it.
My Leadership Challenge To You
And this brings us right back to Sarah, the woman I’m coaching - the VP on a PIP.
I said she was unique in her situation. She sounds unique. But she’s not. Sarah is just a mirror. Every workplace has a Sarah.
And if you’re being honest with yourself, sometimes you are the Sarah in the situation. I know I’ve been.
We all carry our own clenched fists — our judgments, our frustrations, our need to be right. And every time we keep that fist closed, we push people further away.
Leadership isn’t about being the smartest person in the room or the loudest voice in the meeting. It’s about connection. And connection only happens when you unclench your fist and extend your hand.
👉🏽 So here’s my challenge for you:
This week, look for one clenched fist in your life. One relationship that feels stuck, strained, or cold. And instead of waiting for the other person to make the first move, unclench yours. Extend your hand to them.
It doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly be best friends. But it does mean you’ll be a leader worth following. And that’s always better than standing in the corner, fists up, wondering why no one wants to work with you.
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