194. Your 5 Most Important Minutes
The leadership lessons we can learn from a pick-up artist.
Pick-up artists have one goal: to pick up women.
It’s all about the conquest. It’s a game to them. Sometimes the goal is sexual, sometimes it’s not. (Hey, let’s not kid ourselves, it’s sexual.)
My gut reaction to the PUA life has always been one of disgust. It feels sexist and abusive in a way I can’t quite explain.
Then the little, awkward voice inside my right ear inevitably whispers, “is it really that bad?”
And along comes Matthew Hussey.
The Dating Guy
Matthew Hussey is not officially a pick-up artist. Well, he is, but he’s not. “Pick-up artist” has become a derogatory term, so he doesn’t call himself that. He’s apparently just a guy that’s really good at getting women to go out on dates with him (very much like a pick-up artist.)
As it turns out, he’s revered for his pick-up artistry, even though that’s not what he does.
He’s so revered that Matthew was known as “the dating guy”, but in a good way. It definitely doesn’t hurt that he’s a dapper-looking chap. But that’s beside the point.
Matthew is a smart fella. Smart enough to have turned the art of attraction into a science.
He has become the Tony Robbins of pick-up tactics. Now he gets paid meaningful moolah for his insights on how to quickly create attraction. He is no longer known as “the dating guy”. His latest moniker is “the love guru”.
As it turns out, we can all learn a thing or two from Matthew Hussey. Specifically, we should pay attention to his most important teaching:
It’s all about the first five minutes.
First Things First
In the late 19th century, German psychologist Hermann Ebbinghaus identified the Primacy Effect.
I am bringing Hermann Ebbinghaus’ name to your attention for three main reasons: It’s fun to say, it’s fun to write and, hot damn, it would be one of the best cartoon character names this side of Boo Boo Bear.
But great names aside, the Primacy Effect is important to understand. The truth is that it impacts your life in many different ways and you probably don’t even realize it.
Here is what Herr Ebbinghaus discovered:
The elements of an interaction that humans remember the most are the things that they experienced first in that interaction.
In other words, how we think and feel about a person is heavily influenced by our first impressions of that person.
Even more important, our later perceptions of that person become biased by those first impressions.
First impressions have an enormous influence on whether you will close a sale, strike a deal, get a job or accomplish whatever the heck you’re hoping to achieve.
That is the Primacy Effect.
Whether it’s a meeting, webinar, one-on-one conversation, or, yes, an attempt to flirt with somebody at a seedy bar on a Monday night, the first five minutes of any interaction sets the stage for how the rest of the conversation will go.
And this brings us right back to Matthew Hussey, self-professed love guru, definitely not a pick-up artist.
Everybody Loves A Winner
According to, well, almost everybody, people are attracted to other people who show confidence. There are thousands of examples throughout history that demonstrate this, but you can start with every single world leader in history as proof.
Nobody ever became a world leader because they showed a lack of confidence in their ability to do the job.
Displaying confidence is important towards creating a positive first impression. This, however, is not new information.
The big question, and the big challenge for many people, is how to show this confidence.
Enter Matthew Hussey.
According to the love guru,... you know what, I should probably show a little more respect and capitalize that...
According to the Love Guru, there are six steps towards owning the first five minutes of any conversation. If you follow these six steps, you will come across as confident and, gosh darnnit, you will leave a positive, winning impression.
Everybody loves a winner.
The 6 Steps For A Winning First Impression
1. Always - ALWAYS - Be Prepared
Do NOT go into a meeting, interview, or important conversation without knowing the key messages you want to get across. Seriously, don’t mess this one up.
You need to clearly understand your speaking points, including the exact terminology that will have the greatest impact.
No matter how good you think you are, don’t wing it.
2. Answer the Question You Wish Was Asked
You did all your preparation and, for goodness sakes, you are not going to leave this conversation without delivering your message.
You don’t always have to answer the question that was asked. Instead, answer the question you wish was asked.
This is a common tactic - we see it displayed every four years in the Presidential debates. But here’s the thing: it works… as long as you did your preparation and know what your messaging is.
3. Control the Mood - Don’t React To It
You know when you show up to a meeting and everyone feels awkward and the vibe is weird so you sit there awkwardly quiet like everybody else?
Don’t do that.
You have two choices: you can be the leader that controls the mood or you can fade into the background.
Confident leaders don’t start an interaction by reacting to other people’s moods. They set the mood. They control the room.
You are the emotional conductor and the others will follow your lead. Control the flow of the mood and use it to your advantage.
4. Always Deliver Value
People follow others who help them learn and grow.
Remember back when you were preparing for your key messages in Step #1? Well, those messages should also be focused on delivering value. And that value should be delivered within the first five minutes of an interaction.
People talk about people who deliver value.
5. Be a Better Storyteller
Good storytelling weaves people into a web of wonder.
Great stories are the best way to deliver a message because people remember stories, they don’t remember facts.
Practice your storytelling. Maybe start by reading this.
6. Show Empathy
People are attracted to authenticity. Empathy is authentic.
Always pay attention to what other people are saying, and listen. Really listen. And respond appropriately.
The confident and empathetic person wins every time.
Trust me (and Hussey), just by following these six steps, you will see three important things happen:
You will increase your confidence
People will pay more attention to you
You will achieve your goals more effectively than you have before.
Life is short. Meetings are shorter.
You’ve only got five minutes to make the right impression. It’s time to start taking it seriously.
Whattaya think? Is it working for you?
Let me know your thoughts.
A Somewhat Relevant Quote
“A good first impression can work wonders."
Insights You May Have Missed
The Up- and Downsides of Hiring Entrepreneurs
Leaders are looking to hire people who are “entrepreneurial minded” but be careful what you wish for. This article reveals the reality of entrepreneurs, their strengths and weaknesses.
The takeaway: Four key elements of an entrepreneurial mind need to be harnessed in order to work in a corporate environment
The Imposter’s Fairy Tale
All leaders have their frailties. We are human.
Imagine Snow White suffered from fear and self-doubt, just like so many of us.
We can all learn a thing or two about the journey inside the 7 dwarfs of her mind.