367. It's Not The Conversation. It's You.

That difficult conversation doesn't need to be difficult. The main problem with it is you. Fortunately, I have an easy solution for how to have a difficult conversation

That difficult conversation you need to have - it’s not going to go well.

You know it.
I know it.
We all know it.

You recognize that you need to have the conversation… but you’re not going to do it quite yet. It’s not that you’re procrastinating, you’re just waiting for the right moment. Whatever the hell that means.

You keep waiting because you know it’s going to go poorly.
And you’re right.

Not because the conversation is difficult.
Because you are.

The Energy You Don’t Notice

Here’s what happens.

You rehearse the conversation in your head for days. You practice what you’ll say and how you’ll say it. You figure out your response to their response to your response to their response.

One day, you finally find the courage to have the convo.

You pull them aside and, before you even say a single word, they can sense something’s wrong.

You don’t even get past the nervous niceties before their legs are crossed, arms folded over their chest, and their face is braced for battle.

“I knew this would be difficult,” you think to yourself. “This is exactly what I thought would happen.”

But the one thing you didn’t expect is the one thing you’re ignoring.
It’s all happening because of you.

Why Amy Never Had A Chance

I worked with a leader - let’s call her Amy, because that was the name of my college girlfriend and she reminds me of difficult conversations.

Amy needed to talk to an employee about missing deadlines.

She spent a week preparing for the conversation, as if it were an Olympic main court matchup.

She planned to have the talk on a Friday afternoon so she could make a quick escape and have the weekend to recover.

When she finally started the conversation, Amy it began by saying, “You’re always late on every project and it’s unacceptable and disrespectful.”

From that moment on, the conversation went exactly how Amy expected. The employee got defensive and made excuses and they disagreed with each other until they both quit the conversation frustrated.

Amy called me for help. She described the scenario and ended with, “This is exactly why I hate those types of conversations.”

But what really happened was different than what she was telling me. Both her brain and her employee’s brain did what human brains have been doing for millennia: they defended themselves.

I am going to teach you an easy way to put the ole kabosh on that.

The Exact Things You’re Doing Wrong

There are three reasons why Amy’s conversation had no chance of going well.

1. She waited a week to have it. That built up her anxiety so much, she was like a lit fuse looking for a bomb to explode.

2. She over-generalized behavior by using words like “always” and “every” and “never”.

3. She made it personal by calling him “disrespectful”.

All of that happened before she finished her opening sentence. She essentially lost control of the conversation before it even started.

The bad news is that you’re probably doing the same damn thing.

You're scheduling "serious conversations" instead of just talking.
You're using "always", “every” and "never."
You're talking about who they are, instead of what they did.
And you're subtly berating them - usually before you've finished your opening sentence.

Every single one of these behaviors tells the brain it’s being attacked. And when someone feels attacked, they defend.

That’s not them being difficult.
That’s a you problem.

And The Difficult Conversation Not Just At Work

Before I give you the solution, I need you to understand something:

This isn’t just about work. Your patterns show up everywhere.

• The conversation you’re avoiding with your kid about that thing they did.

• The conversation you need to have with your partner about how they spoke to you.

• The boundary you need to set with your parent about their advice.

I guarantee that you’re running the same unconscious pattern and getting the same frustrating results.

The way you do one thing is the way you do everything.

If you’re avoiding conflict at work, you’re also avoiding it at home - and vice versa.

So let me show you how to fix it.

The C.A.R.E. Conversation Solution

To turn difficult conversations into easy ones, all you need to do is use a simple conversational model that removes all the confrontational energy. Easy peasy.

It’s called a C.A.R.E. conversation and, gosh dangit, it’s magical.

The reason it works is because it makes it virtually impossible to sound like you're attacking someone. Because you're not. You're just solving a problem and you’re doing it together.

Sounds good, right?
I know.

Here’s how the C.A.R.E. conversation works:

C - Clarity
Clearly define the behavior in question, but do it without any emotion.

A - Ask
Ask them for their perspective on what happened.

R - Resolution
Discuss what you each can do differently moving forward.

E - Empathy
End the conversation with respect, acknowledgement and empathy.

You know what, how about I give you an example so you can put it all together.

Here’s Your C.A.R.E. Example

The situation
Alex missed a deadline and it impacted other people.

Clarity
”Hey Alex, I want to touch base about the client report. It was due Wednesday but was delivered on Friday. Unfortunately that pushed back other teams and almost caused a delay in meeting the client deadline.”

Ask
”Can you walk me through what happened on your side?”

[Alex responds. You listen. Like really listen.]

Resolution
”Got it, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you for explaining that. Going forward, I will make sure I’m more clear on the deadlines. Also, it would help if you let me know in advance anytime a deadline is at risk. Any concerns about that?

From your side, what would help you hit the deadlines more consistently?”

Empathy
”I know you’re working hard on these projects and I really appreciate all you’re doing. I also know these timelines can get tight. Thanks for having this conversation.”

It Changed My Life And It Will Change Yours

When I started teaching leaders how to have C.A.R.E. conversations, the glowing feedback was immediate.

Why? Because the conversation suddenly isn’t difficult anymore. It’s exactly how I worked my way out of my fear of difficult conversations. It just turns it into a couple of people solving a problem together.

It changed my life and it will change yours.
It’s time to put an end to your anxiety about those difficult conversations.

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Your C.A.R.E. Toolkit - The Solution For Difficult Conversations

I’ve created the complete C.A.R.E. Conversation Toolkit with

• Scripts for 12 common scenarios

• Before/after comparisons, and

• A prep worksheet to plan your specific C.A.R.E. conversation

It’s what hundreds of leaders use to turn difficult conversations into productive discussions.

Members of The Inner Circle get the toolkit for free (and every other toolkit) below. Become a member - or buy it for a one-time fee.