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Imagine you’re on a first date.
You’ve seen the person’s profile and they seem interesting enough. You swiped right. So you agree to meet for a cuppa.
And things go pretty well.
There’s some smiling, some laughing. You even find some common ground - like how you both believe the toilet paper should hang over the roll, not under it. You're not animals.
You figure it couldn’t hurt to see them again.
Then, just as you’re getting up to leave, they drop to one knee, pull a ring out of their pocket, and propose.
Whaaat?!
You look around to see if someone’s screwing with you.
But they aren’t. This person is serious.
What the actual fuck is going on right now?!
You’ve suddenly gone from thinking about a second date to thinking about a restraining order.
But here’s the crazy part.
This same scenario happens in business all the time.
And you might be the one doing the proposing.
And Then They Propose
I’ve been meeting a ridiculously large number of people lately. Entrepreneurs, solopreneurs, coaches, and all sorts of people with varied talents and titles.
Some days I spend seven hours on calls with people I didn’t even know 24 hours earlier.
I love it.
And I usually end these conversations the same way:
“So how can I best help or support you?”
It’s a genuine offer. If there’s something I can reasonably do, I’m happy to do it. But lately, there’s been a surprising number of people who have responded with some version of, “Actually, it’d be great if you can promote my business and send me your clients.”
Wait. WHAT?!
Are you even serious here?
We just met 30 minutes ago, and you now want me to promote your business and send you my clients?
I barely know what you do.
Heck, I don’t even know if I like you yet!
And here you are, already asking me to marry you.
Why Everyone Gives This Advice
I understand where this comes from.
After all, every sales coach, sales book, and sales podcast seems to give the same advice.
Be direct.
Tell people exactly what you want.
Ask for the darn referral.
And look, I understand why people follow that advice. I’m fortunate to be a leadership coach with companies like Porsche, L’Oréal, Peloton and similar types of clients that other people want to have as their clients too.
But there is something fundamentally wrong with asking someone you just met to send you their clients.
You’re not asking them for help. What you’re doing is asking them to take a risk.
And I think it’s a much bigger risk than you even realize.
What You’re Actually Asking Them To Do
Think about what happens when someone refers business to you.
They’re not just giving you a name of somebody to talk with.
They’re telling that person who trusts them that they should also trust you.
They’re putting their reputation on the line.
If you’re fantastic at what you do, everybody wins.
But what if you suck?
Then the person who referred you looks like an idiot. Even worse, they may have damaged a client relationship that took years to build.
All because they recommended someone they barely knew.
Why the hell would anyone take that risk?
Would you?
Of course you wouldn’t.
And neither will I.
Here’s what I think a lot of people misunderstand:
Liking you isn’t the same as trusting you.
I might think you’re smart, funny, and fascinating. We might have a wonderful conversation. We might even agree on the correct orientation of toilet paper.
But none of that tells me whether you’re actually good at what you do. And until I know that, referring you is still a gamble. And the odds are a lot worse than Vegas.
Trust isn’t just about whether I like you.
It’s about whether I know you well enough to stop worrying that you’re going to screw things up.
And that doesn’t happen just because you asked nicely.
How Trust Actually Gets Built
When someone asks how they can help me, I usually say something like:
“Nothing comes to mind right now, but can I reach out if something does?”
And I mean it.
I don’t need them to do anything for me after our first call.
But a week or two later, I might send them an article I think they’ll like. Or maybe I’ll share an idea that came to me after our conversation.
And I’ll do something similar a couple of weeks after that.
I’m not trying to be underhanded.
And I don’t expect them to owe me anything.
I’m just building a relationship. There’s a big difference there.
Because trust isn’t built during a single 30-minute Zoom call. It’s built through what happens after the call.
Every interaction you have tells you something about the other person.
Do they follow through?
Do they know what they’re talking about?
Are they genuinely interested in helping others?
Every time someone shows you they’re capable or reliable, the risk of working with them gets a little smaller.
But every time they flake on a commitment or act in some negative way, that risk gets bigger.
And that’s the whole point.
You build trust by giving people reasons to believe they can count on you.
Not by just telling them they can.
The Way To Get Referred
Think about the last five people who sent you business. How many had you only met just once, for 30 minutes?
I’m guessing not many.
Now think about the people that you regularly refer business to. Why do you recommend them?
You probably recommend them because you know they’re good at their job. You trust them to do what they say they’re going to do.
And once you reach that point of a relationship, something interesting happens. Referring no longer feels like a risk. It starts feeling like an opportunity.
That’s a pretty big change. And you don’t get there by asking harder or asking more.
You get there by earning trust.
The Only Ask That Actually Works
So the next time someone you’ve just met asks how they can help you, do me a favor. Don’t immediately ask them to send you their clients.
Ask for their perspective on something you’re working on.
Ask if they’d be open to having another discussion.
And don’t misunderstand me.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with telling people what you do and what kinds of clients you help.
In fact, you should.
But there’s a huge difference between helping someone understand your business and expecting them to put their reputation on the line for it.
The first creates an opportunity.
The second creates an obligation.
So stop worrying about making a great first impression, focus on making a great second impression.
And a third.
Do something - anything - that will show them what it’s actually like to work with you.
Because eventually, if you’re good at what you do, people start looking for opportunities to refer you.
You don’t get referrals by convincing people to take a risk on you.
You get referrals by making that risk smaller.
And that’s a pretty big fucking difference.
P.S. The toilet paper thing, by the way? Over the roll. Obviously. Anyone who tells you differently simply can’t be trusted.
