Warning: Don’t read this article to your child
“Hansel and Gretel” is a highly disturbing German fairy tale from 1812. It’s maybe not the best bedtime story for your kid.
Here’s the basic gist.
Hansel and Gretel are young siblings when their parents abandon them in the woods and leave them to die.
And that’s just the setup.
The kids wander through the woods in utter fear, leaving a trail of breadcrumbs so they don’t get lost. Smart, sure. Until the birds eat the breadcrumbs. Because that’s what birds do.
The kids stumble upon a house that’s owned by an evil witch, who takes the kids as prisoners and tries to burn them alive.
But the kids trick the witch, push her into the oven and burn her alive instead.
Great story. Sweet dreams.
I have to admit, I’m fairly traumatized just retelling the story. Meanwhile the witch is dead in a most gruesome way, the parents will no doubt go to jail once social services catches up to them, and those children? They’re brutal murderers. Assuming they can find their way back to civilization before being killed in the forest, they will, at best, spend the rest of their childhood bouncing in and out of the foster system between stints in juvie.
I tell you all of this, because the same thing is happening to you. Probably right now.
The Raise You’re About To Get
Your boss maybe told you that you’re going to get the promotion.
That was six months ago.
They promised you’re going to get that raise, but “now isn’t a good time.”
Whenever you bring up the subject, you probably get a big compliment, followed by some version of “we’re working on it” and a vague reference to “touch base again” in a few months.
But nothing seems to actually be happening. Ever.
There’s no promotion. No raise. No forward movement. There’s only just enough hope to keep you from looking for another job.
And this, my friend, is the world of workplace breadcrumbing.
What Breadcrumbing Actually Means
The idea of breadcrumbing originated from that Hansel and Gretel nightmare of a fairy tale. Today the term is mostly used in dating.
It means when someone is giving you just enough attention to keep you emotionally invested, but not enough for any actual commitment.
It’s not ghosting.
Breadcrumbing is worse.
The person doesn’t disappear. Instead, they drop just enough crumbs of interest to keep you waiting.
So you stay. And wait. And hope.
You can waste years of your life on someone who was never going to choose you.
As it turns out, the same thing happens at work more than you think.
What Breadcrumbing Looks Like At Work
Your boss tells you a promotion is coming. Then it doesn’t.
They say they’re advocating for you behind the scenes but there’s absolutely no evidence that it’s actually happening.
They promise a raise “in the next budget cycle.” But the cycle comes and goes and your paycheck has the same amount on it.
Maybe they schedule a one-on-one to talk about your career. But the meeting gets postponed. Three times.
They finally bring up a future leadership role and tell you that you’re doing all the right things to get it. Six months later, you’re still doing your same damn job.
Each crumb keeps you hopeful. Each crumb keeps you working harder. And, more importantly, each crumb keeps you from interviewing somewhere else.
You’re not wrong to feel strung along.
You are being strung along.
Why You Stay Anyway
But you stay.
You stay because you want to believe your boss. Because the crumbs are real. Because you got the promises and you really want to believe they’re telling the truth.
Besides, if you left you’d have to admit that the last six months were wasted. And that’s a tough peanut to swallow.
That’s the trap of breadcrumbing.
You can’t quite tell if it’s happening to you or if you’re just being impatient. The doubt is always more powerful than the certainty.
So you give it more time.
And more time.
And then more time.
Until you finally realize the breadcrumbs were being eaten by birds before they ever led you anywhere good. This entire time you’ve been trapped in a prison cell hoping you’d get out one day instead of being burned alive.
Proverbially, of course.
You know what I mean.
You’re Doing It Too
Here’s the catch:
You’re probably doing this same exact thing to someone else.
Not maliciously. Of course not. Not you.
You’re most likely breadcrumbing without even realizing it.
Someone you know is sitting at home tonight wondering when you’re finally going to come through on what you said.
The plan you said you’d create.
The new responsibilities you mentioned.
The opportunity you said was coming.
The thing you promised to do for them.
You said something. You meant something.
But nothing happened.
Why You Do It
If there’s anything I know about you it’s that you have good intentions. You don’t breadcrumb others because you want to hurt them.
You breadcrumb them because you don’t want to have the hard conversation.
[Editors Note: ooh, that one might leave a scar]
You don’t want to tell them the reality that the promotion isn’t going to happen. Neither is the raise or whatever it is you’ve promised.
You genuinely want the thing to happen. But you know it won’t any time soon.
And instead of telling them the truth, you say “I’m working on it.” Or “I’m pushing for you.” Or some other similar nonsense.
You think you’re being kind by leaving the door open.
You’re not.
You’re being a coward.
With every conversation that strings them along, you’re eroding trust.
If you were actually kind, you’d be telling them the truth. That way they can make their own choice about what to do.
But all you’re doing is protecting yourself from their disappointment, while forcing them to live in yours.
Stop Feeding Them Crumbs
If you can’t deliver on something, don’t hint at it.
If a promotion isn’t coming, say it.
Tell them that the thing they really want isn’t going to happen anytime soon.
Be specific. Be honest. Be clear.
It’s not about being harsh, it’s about being respectful. And sometimes being respectful feels really uncomfortable.
They deserve to know whether the breadcrumbs are leading anywhere or if you’re just holding them prisoner.
The oven is already hot. If you don’t do the right thing, somebody’s going to get burned.
P.S. Think of the person right now who’s waiting on something you promised. I know you can think of one. You’ve been meaning to address it. That’s the crumb. Address it today. Don’t become the evil witch.
Avoiding hard conversations - and why you keep choosing a breadcrumb over the truth - is exactly the type of behavior that the free Leadership Diagnostic Workshop will uncover. It’s time to learn why you do it. Learn your blind spots..
Are you breadcrumbing somebody at work? Or are you being breadcrumbed?
As I wrote this article, I realized I am completely doing it to a couple of people.
I'm putting an end to it this week.
That's my promise.
I spent years being breadcrumbed. If I am being honest, I also was leaving breadcrumbs as well. I'm wondering if breadcrumbing is a cousin of gaslighting - one provides false hope, and one chisels away at your confidence. This is a very powerful two punch, if both are happening at the same time.