111. It's Called Empathy, You F@*%
A few months ago, the CEO of Basecamp (a popular project management software), sent a letter to his staff banning all “societal and political discussions” at work.
Following the note, 30% of the staff quit, practically overnight.
Oops.
As it turns out, when you’re frustrated with employees being frustrated, it’s probably not the best tactic to force change just because you said so. Especially when it’s over a topic that has personal implications for them.
This got me thinking about an ice cube incident I once had.
An Ice Cube Incident I Once Had
Back when the wifey was all preggo with our first (and only handful of a) child, we took a birthing class.
I remember nothing of the class except for the last day when the teacher was determined to help the soon-to-be-fathers understand the physical pain of birthing a small human. I have to admit, when she mentioned she wanted to replicate the pain of childbirth with us, I got a little squeamish about what was about to happen and found myself plotting how to discretely dial 9-1-1 on my phone before being violated.
She went to her freezer and took out an ice tray. With a sigh of relief, each of the fathers grabbed a cube and clenched it in our respective fists. Then we sat there holding that chunk of ice.
For those who haven’t grasped an ice cube lately, let me explain. It starts with the cold discomfort of the ice in your hand. Quickly though, as blood flow stops, that discomfort transforms into pain that radiates through your hand and fingers, then into your wrist.
We sat there through the pain, telling dad jokes and holding that ice for a total of 90 pain-ridden seconds, at which point we were allowed to let it go and let the blood flow back into our hands as we silently swore we’d always use ice tongs when making cocktails in the future.
My grand takeaway was this: giving birth to a child is very cold and makes one’s hand hurt, but it only lasts 90 seconds.
I’m not quite sure why women make such a big deal about it.
Empathetic Leadership
Holding an ice cube has absolutely no relationship to birthing a child. It is a sorely mistaken attempt at establishing empathy.
Similarly, the Basecamp CEOs tactic of forcing new behavior is just as tone deaf as that time when you were crying from heartbreak after your first breakup and your older brother just said “shut up and get over it” then walked away. Not only did the behavior not help you feel better, it actually made you angrier and solidified the hunch that your brother really was a complete jerk.
In the words of Maya Angelou, the writer, poet, hero of Oprah, and US national treasure:
People will forget what you said
People will forget what you did
But people will never forget how you made them feel
The ability to make others feel good about themselves is a powerful gift. It is like a light in the darkness, attracting others to its warmth and brightness.
The greatest leaders are masters of making others feel good about themselves. The secret to succeeding with this gift is empathy.
Empathy is the key to connecting with other people. Whether your leadership is in the form of being a parent or a coach, a friend or business colleague, a manager or a CEO, having empathy is a vital factor for your success.
Empathy builds trust.
Empathy breeds confidence.
Empathy solves problems.
When Empathy Lacks, Teach It
Research has proven that a lack of empathy in leadership results in increased employee turnover, lower productivity and decreased interest in work.
Similarly, lack of empathy in parenting leads to generations filled with selfishness, narcissism and cruelty.
Some people, however, just don’t know how to be empathetic. I have empathy for the people who don’t have empathy.
There have been a lot of articles over the years describing how to be empathetic (24m Google results) There have been a lot of articles over the years outlining the importance of being empathetic (20m Google results).
However, after your parents and school teachers are gone from daily life, who the heck is actually teaching adults how to show empathy? In all my decades of working in jobs, do you know how many times I was taught about empathy or coached on the importance of it? None. Never. Nunca.
I’d like to give you advice on how to teach others empathy, but I have no f-ing idea how to do it beyond this article, but the last thing we need is another damn article.
Do you have somebody at your job or life that lacks empathy? How is it showing itself? What can you do to try and help them? Leave a note in the comments about it.
This Week’s Poll
The answer to the last poll (“How would you rate yourself as a leader?”) is down yonder at the bottom.
Meanwhile, please answer this one (remember it’s anonymous):
Q. How empathetic is your boss?
Quote
“Be the teacher that notices the kids that don't get noticed"
- Somebody at some point
Tidbits
It Feels Like Stealing. Amazon is testing out a new checkout system at Whole Foods stores where you just walk out the door. (seriously, check it out)
It Took A Camel. You know those Google cars that drive around mapping every road? Guess what they used to map the desert. (check it out)
Free Contact Free. You know all those free samples that were handed out when companies wanted to do free sampling? In a post-COVID world, companies are trying to make free sampling contact free (see this one)
Another Useless Site. OK, this is just pain freaky. Make it stop! (try it out yourself)
Last Week’s Poll Results
How do you rate yourself as a leader?
I loved the takeaway from the ice cube incident. Hilarious! But on a serious note, you are absolutely right. Empathy is one of the most critical leadership skills yet is not talked about. Worse, not even considered as important in most organizations. We need a lot more conversation about it to be taken seriously. Thanks for writing this!
I feel like empathy training should be a part of on-boarding.... just like DEI, security, privacy and all the other current on-boarding lessons. How come that's not happening?