330. The Growth Paradox
We live in a society that is obsessed with comfort. But pain has an important purpose. And that's where the growth paradox comes into play.
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My name is Jeff Matlow. I help leaders solve big problems fast.
My dentist retired last year. He was a hilarious old Jewish guy who cared more about making you laugh and feeling good about yourself than he did about growing his business. Ultimately, that attitude helped him significantly grow his business.
He sold his practice to a younger woman. She seems nice enough, but is less interested in being friendly and more interested in getting me to spend more money on my mouth.
I miss him.
But I’m not writing this to talk about the importance of being nice. That’s for an entirely different rant. I’m writing this to talk about drilling.
You see, the new dentist somehow convinced me that I needed to replace my old fillings.
So last week I found myself lying down in the dentist chair as she drilled into my teeth like there was oil in them thar hills. I wasn’t comfortable. It didn’t feel good, and I didn’t want to be there. Maybe I squirmed a time or two in that chair.
At one point, she stopped mid-drill, looked me right in the eyes, and said, “You know, this probably wouldn’t hurt so much if you just stopped fighting it.”
I was annoyed she said that.
Then I realized how profound and insightful her comment really was.
Engineering For Comfort
We live in a culture that is increasingly obsessed with comfort.
We’ve got memory foam mattresses, noise-canceling headphones, and enough apps to deliver anything to our doorsteps without ever raising our respective asses off our respective couches.
Humanity seems downright dedicated to engineering discomfort out of lives.
Still, people find ways to complain.
We don’t want to go to the store because it takes too long to get there.
We don’t want to try something new because there’s a chance we will fail.
We don’t even look for a new job when we don’t like our current one because the process feels too painful.
Here’s the truth that I fear we’ve forgotten: growth hurts.
Always.
It’s supposed to.
Growth Doesn’t Happen Without Pain
Muscles don’t get stronger by doing things the easy way. The only crunches that count in your core workout are the ones you do after the burning has already begun.
That’s because growth doesn’t happen without pain.
Yet most of us spend most of our lives running from pain like it’s some kind of design flaw in the human experience. Let me be clear, pain is not a bug, it’s a feature.
In fact, being a good leader is easy when everything is going great. It’s when you’re put under a pressure cooker of crisis that your true leadership abilities emerge.
Or they don’t.
Depending on how much you actually lean into the pain.
The Wisdom in the Discomfort
I had this employee at my first company - let’s call him Dave. Dave challenged me on everything I said - and not in a good way.
Every conversation with the guy was a battle. He felt like he knew how to lead my company better than I could, and he wasn’t shy in trying to show it.
Sure, I could have had somebody else manage Dave. I could have fired him and completely avoided the conflict. It would have made my life easier.
But I didn’t.
Instead, I leaned into the pain. I started asking myself some tough questions:
Why am I triggered by his pushback?
What is he seeing in my blind spot that I need to know?
What would happen if I stopped trying to prove I was right and started trying to be better?
It turns out Dave wasn’t the problem after all - my ego was.
The pain of that relationship taught me more about leadership than any business book ever did or would. Thanks to Dave being a complete PITA, I grew more as a leader in 6 months than I could’ve from any MBA program.
And this brings us right back to my dentist and her drilling.
The Growth Paradox
Pain hurts. That’s the point of it. But like my dentist said, it doesn’t hurt as much if you just stop fighting it.
Pain isn’t there to tear you down, its entire purpose is to build you up. Pain strengthens you.
And that, I suppose, is where the paradox of pain comes in: The people who avoid it are the ones who need it the most.
Most of us treat pain like it’s a grease fire that needs to be extinguished before it gets worse. But it’s not. In fact, the people who avoid tough conversations - the ones who hide from conflict - are the ones who most need the pain to address the fears holding them back.
Pain is progress. Whenever you feel pain, it’s an alarm that reveals the places you need to grow.
Your Invitation to Discomfort
So here’s my challenge to you: stop running from the hard stuff.
That conversation you’re avoiding? Have it.
That skill that feels impossibly difficult? Start learning it.
That feedback that made you defensive? Sit with it. Pretend that it’s right and see what happens.
Here’s what I’ve learned after years of trying to outsmart discomfort: the thing you’re most afraid of is usually the thing you most need to do.
Growth isn’t comfortable. It’s messy and awkward, and sometimes it makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself.
But that’s exactly why it works.
Nothing ever grows in the comfort zone. Growth happens in the pain-filled gap between where you are and where you want to be.
So stop fighting the drill.
It’s time to accept the pain and appreciate the better person who will emerge on the other side.
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If you run a business, you are trying to minimize or eliminate the pain for your customers. If you're trying to improve your performance, it may be painful as you try new things and fall short.