321. The Matching Principle

The reason you’re having communication problems with your coworker is simple. It starts with understanding the Matching Principle.

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Ken Allen was a master escape artist in the 1980s. When he was put in a cage, any cage, he could always get out.

Nobody could figure out how he did it. He was that good.

If somebody were watching him, he wouldn’t escape the cage. He didn’t want anybody to learn his tricks. It was only when he was left alone that he would magically make an escape.

Oh, wait, I forgot to mention something important.
Ken Allen was an orangutan in the San Diego Zoo.

When It Seems Like Nothing You Say Can Help

Ken wasn’t an aggressive orangutan. He never tried to run away. He would just escape from his cage and then casually walk around the zoo, visiting other animals. Nothing got destroyed, no one was hurt.

The zookeepers were baffled.

They brought in animal behavior experts, consulted military security, and even used undercover zookeepers disguised as tourists — all in the hopes of catching Ken in the act.

Nothing worked.

One time, a well-meaning zookeeper tried to calmly coax Ken back into his cage. She talked with a soft and soothing voice as somebody might use when helping another solve a problem.

But Ken didn’t have a problem that needed solving.

She tried luring Ken with bananas, as if Ken were scared and needed comforting.

But Ken wasn’t scared. And he didn’t need comfort.

So what was the problem?

Well, the answer to that is the reason why you’re having trouble communicating with those coworkers of yours. You know the ones I’m referring to.

You Are Having The Wrong Conversation

As a leadership coach, I’m brought into companies to help solve their leadership problems. Usually, it relates to one or two people who don’t seem to be working well with others.

My clients tend to refer to me as their leadership therapist.

When communication and teamwork don’t seem to work, leaders call me to quickly solve the problems.

“I don’t know what to do anymore,” they’ll tell me.
“It’s like we’re speaking two different languages,” they’ll say about the problem.

And they’re right. Kinda.
But not really.
But kinda.

You see, the reason that you’re having communication problems with your coworker is because you’re having the wrong conversation at the wrong time.

Let me explain.

The Three Types Of Communication

Effective communication isn’t just about speaking whatever is on your mind. And, sorry guys, it isn’t always about solving people’s problems.

Effective communication is dependent on a lot of things, like mood, emotion, and intent. Most importantly, it is dependent on understanding what type of communication is happening.

It turns out that there are only three types of communication:

• Practical Conversations

• Emotional Conversations

• Social conversations

🙋🏼‍♀️ Practical conversations are ones in which somebody is trying to get help or find an answer.

🤗 Emotional conversations are ones in which somebody is trying to get emotional support and empathy.

👂🏼 Social conversations are ones in which somebody just wants to feel heard and acknowledged.

Every conversation you have will fit in one of those three buckets.

The secret to effective communication is to ensure both parties are having the same type of conversation.

Communication clashes when two people have two different types of conversations at the same time.

This is called the Matching Principle of Communication, and this is why you get frustrated when talking with some people.

The Matching Principle

Effective communication requires both parties to be on the same page - having the same conversation at the same time in the same tone.

That is what fosters trust.

Ken Allen, our friendly orangutan escapist, didn’t want a practical conversation — he wasn’t asking for banana-based problem-solving.

He wanted a social one. A chance to connect, roam, and be acknowledged for the curious genius he was.

But the zookeepers didn’t get that. So they kept trying to fix a problem he wasn’t having

Assuming you don’t work in a zoo, let me bring this to a common business example: the customer support process.

Let’s say you’re frustrated with a service you received. I’m not saying it’s from Comcast, but I’m not saying it’s not.

So you call the company because you’re angry, and all you really want to do is vent your frustrations on someone and have them hear you, acknowledge you, and apologize for the experience.

You’re gonna get even angrier if that’s not the conversation you’re getting in return. So when the customer support person tries to “fix the issue” by telling you how you’re wrong, it’ll most likely send you into a tizzy to end all tizzies.

The best customer support people know how to quickly determine the type of conversation that is being had and adjust their responsiveness accordingly.

Similarly, the best leaders can quickly sense the type of conversation and make adjustments on the fly.

How good are you at recognizing the types of conversations that are happening?

Your success as a leader relies on your being good at it.

[Editor’s Note: here’s a guy that can help]

The Matching Principle Of My Client And Her Subordinate

Last week, I got a call from one of my coaching clients. She was having trouble with her subordinate.

“He pretends to know everything and battles me when I contradict him,” she told me. “Every conversation seems like an argument. It’s so frustrating.”

I quickly realized that the leader wasn’t matching the type of conversation her subordinate was trying to have.

The employee wanted to have a social conversation. He just wanted to feel heard and acknowledged. But his boss (my client) always turned it into a practical conversation. She was always trying to give a solution to a problem that didn’t really exist.

In the end, the subordinate never felt acknowledged - which, by the by, is the number one reason why people quit their job.

Just like our orangutan friend Ken, the employee wasn’t arguing or ignoring her to be difficult — he just wanted someone to listen.

In the end, I instructed her to have an open conversation with her subordinate about communication and acknowledge his point of view.

She did that, and it has made all the difference. Her subordinate felt heard, and they haven’t had a meaningful issue since.

Situation resolved.

[mic drop]

The Matching Principle Of Matching The Conversation

Ken Allen wasn’t trying to cause trouble. He didn’t want to be coaxed, bribed, or fixed. He just wanted to be seen. He wanted to go on a stroll and check in on his friends.

The problem is that nobody ever thought to ask: What kind of conversation is Ken trying to have?

Sure, maybe it’s because he’s a primate. But when it comes down to it, aren’t we all?

The same is true for your coworkers, your employees, your clients, your boss… and, heck, probably even your partner and kids.

The Matching Principle is simple: Match the conversation. Match the tone. Match the intent.

If you don’t know what type of conversation the other person is trying to have, ask them. Do they want a solution, some empathy, or just to be acknowledged?

Once you start having the same conversation at the same time, you’ll be astonished at how the stress will magically disappear.

Kinda like Ken Allen in his cage.

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