377. The Drowning Person Doesn't Need A Lecture

You learned about the most dangerous word in leadership. Here's another four-letter word that undermines everything - and a simple tip on how to replace it.

Picture this. Someone is drowning in a deep pool.
They’re flailing. Gasping. Their head is going under.

It’s not looking good, and you know it.

You’re standing at the edge of the pool with a life preserver in your hand, looking at them with pity - and maybe a little frustration.

Instead of throwing the life preserver, or jumping in the pool to help, you cup your hands around your mouth and yell:

“Just swim!”

Then you stand there confused when they don’t stop drowning.

Turns out this same thing happens at work all the time. And you probably don’t even notice.

The Four-Letter Word You Keep Using

Almost every piece of crappy leadership advice starts with one four-letter word.

Just.

Just delegate.
Just trust your team.
Just have the conversation.
Just be more decisive.
Just stop micromanaging.

Using the word “just” to give someone growth advice is like seeing somebody drowning and clapping to help motivate them to survive.

It’s demeaning, demoralizing and definitely not helpful.

They don’t need a lecture from you.
They need saving.

When your advice to someone includes “just,” you’re actually pretending that the really hard thing to do is really easy for them. It’s an insult to the person trying to do the really hard thing.

It makes them feel like an idiot.

You think you’re helping.
You’re not.
So just stop with the “just.”

Knowing Isn’t The Same As Doing

There’s a big difference between knowing you should do something and actually doing it.

It’s fairly easy to know you should do something.
It’s meaningfully harder to actually do it.

Let me give you an example.

A lot of people know that they should delegate more. You’re probably one of those people.

But knowing what you need to do doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly do it. You probably won’t delegate more.

Because this isn’t about your capabilities. You know how to delegate. And it isn’t a problem with willpower. If it were, you’d already be delegating.

It’s a deeper problem that connects right down to very core of your personal identity.

When someone tells you to ‘just delegate more,’ they’re assuming you already know the root cause WHY you’re not delegating.

You don’t.

The reason you can’t delegate isn’t sitting on the surface of consciousness. It’s buried deep in your Unconscious Operating System. And it’s protected by a suit of armor that you’ve been building since you were a kid.

You can’t ‘just’ take that armor off and change your identity.
It’s not that easy.

Your behavior isn’t an on/off switch. It’s a system of interconnected parts. To change one thing, you have to change many.

The problem is that you don’t even think about your Unconscious Operating System. Because it’s unconscious. It’s right there in the name.

Meet Gary. Gary Is Drowning.

I have a client. Let’s call him Gary - because I’m flying over Indiana right now.

Gary is a highly accomplished person at a big-name company. But Gary gets defensive when people disagree with him.

He knows it’s a problem. That’s why he originally contacted me.

Recently, Gary had his yearly review. His boss told him, “you just need to stop being so defensive when people disagree with you.”

Imagine that working. Imagine Gary hearing those words and thinking “ooh, you’re right. I should just stop. Great idea. Problem solved.”

Remember, the drowning person can’t just start swimming. They’re drowning.

Gary isn’t defensive because he chooses to be. He’s defensive because something in his Unconscious Operating System is trying to protect him. But it’s causing him to drown.

Maybe he wants to be right. Maybe winning makes him feel validated. Maybe he simply doesn’t want to look stupid.

Whatever it is, you can’t make any of that go away by simply willing it to disappear.

My leadership coaching work with Gary never includes the words “just stop being defensive.”

Instead, I embrace his defensiveness, because that’s part of who he is right now.

He is drowning in defensiveness. I’m not going to stand on the sidelines and cheer him on. I’m going to accept that he’s drowning, and toss him the life preserver to save him from it.

“Just” Is What You Say When You Don’t Know How To Help

Most people don’t use “just” to be cruel. They use it because they don’t know what else to do. They don’t know how - or don’t want to make the time - to help.

“Just delegate” is what you say when you don’t know how to teach delegation.

“Just be more decisive” is what you say when you don’t understand why they have an ineffective decision-making process.

“Just” is the shortcut for skipping the hard work of actually helping someone change.

And they know you’re not helping.
They always know.

When you use ‘just,’ they can hear that you don’t actually know how to help.

You’re not being a leader.
You’re being lazy.

They’ve Already Tried

The person you’re saying “just” to has probably already tried to “just do” whatever you’re suggesting.

The problem is not that they don’t know the problem. They do.

They’ve tried to be more decisive. They’ve tried to delegate. They’ve tried to have the conversation they know they’re avoiding.

The problem is that the trying didn’t work.
Because the behavior isn’t the actual problem.

The root cause of their problem, is the pattern underneath the behavior.
And patterns don’t respond to commands.

Patterns respond to awareness. They respond to the interruption of the Pattern Environment Loop.

Nobody can ‘just’ change who they are by simply being told to.
If they could, you would have already changed your worst patterns by now.

There’s Actually A Simple Fix

There’s actually a simple way to get out of your tendency to tell people to “just be better.” And the solution is surprisingly simple. It’s this:

Replace your “just” comment with a question.

And the good news is that there’s only one question to ask: What.

Instead of “just delegate more” → “What is making it hard to delegate?”

Instead of “just be more decisive” → “What are you thinking about when you hesitate in your decision?”

Instead of “just have the conversation” → “What are you afraid will happen if you have the conversation?”

“Just” closes a conversation.
“What” opens it.

Once the conversation is open, you can actually help them change.

Back To The Pool

Let’s get back to the drowning person in the pool.

We can both agree that they don’t need to “just swim.”
They need help and support and somebody to make them feel safe.

We all need that when we feel stuck.

And we’ve all been stuck in patterns that took us years to build. The word “just” can’t, on its own, undo any of them.

So next time you’re about to tell someone they ‘just’ need to change, shut your trap.
You’re not being helpful.

Replace ‘just’ with ‘what.’
Ask the question and begin the journey to transforming their life.

P.S. In case you missed it, this is the most dangerous word in leadership

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The patterns underneath the behavior - the ones that make change so hard - are exactly what the free Leadership Diagnostic Workshop allows you to see.