365. This Is The Start Of Where It All Ends
Your values end the moment you stop caring about them being violated.
A marriage doesn’t end with a divorce settlement.
It ends that moment you decided that the conversations are no longer worth having.
The paperwork just makes it official.
And that’s the part you don’t see.
You think things end when they break.
They don’t.
They end the moment you stop caring.
Because that’s not when you have a problem.
That’s when you become the problem.
You Don’t Have Standards
You say you value honesty.
You say you value accountability.
You claim to value transparency.
But you don’t have standards. You have preferences.
There’s a big difference.
Because if someone lies to you and you keep them around…
You don’t actually value honesty.
If someone continually misses deadlines and you keep giving them “another chance”…
You don’t really value accountability.
And if someone keeps lying and you tolerate it…
You definitely don’t value transparency.
You value comfort.
And avoiding conflict.
And you value not having to deal with the important things that make you uncomfortable.
If that’s who you are, that’s fine.
But you need to pull yourself up to the adulting table and stop pretending you’re somebody different.
You’re not.
You’re you.
So look in the fucking mirror and either accept what you see, or make a concerted effort to change it.
Neither option is easy.
But, as it turns out, you have to choose one of them anyway.
This Isn’t Really About Leadership
Think about what’s not working in your life. Think about that thing you thought you were really going to do. That person you thought you were really going to be.
It hasn’t quite happened like you planned, has it?
I didn’t think so.
What moment that was the turning point?
Maybe it’s that person you should have talked to - that uncomfortable conversation you should have had.
Perhaps it’s that decision you should have made sooner - or the gut feeling you should have acknowledged.
But you didn’t.
And now it’s bigger. Or harder. Or messier.
And you’re still not addressing it.
If you haven’t figured it out yet, this isn’t about leadership.
It’s about you.
Your Values Aren’t What You Say
Your values aren’t the words coming out of your mouth - or what’s written in that core values deck stored somewhere on your Google drive.
Your values are how you act every single day. How you talk. How you make decisions.
You don’t discover your values in a journal.
You discover them by looking at your life and understanding the patterns of the things you won’t tolerate.
You may not have clearly defined your values yet. That’s because you haven’t been paying attention to your own behavior.
If you repeatedly say, “I’m a terrible liar.” And then you don’t lie.
→ You value honesty.
If you feel frustrated with people and think, “Just spit it out and tell me the damn truth.”
→ You value transparency.
When you look at others and think, “If you say you’ll do it, do it.”
→ You value accountability.
Does that make it a little more clear?
Because here’s the part you’re not going to like:
You’re still letting people trample all over your values.
If you pay attention, you’ll feel it in those moments of frustration. It comes with the increased anxiety. You’ll feel yourself feeling triggered and lashing out with words like those above.
I know you do this, because I do it too.
I Learned This The Expensive Way
I trusted people.
I trusted they’d keep my secrets.
I trusted that they also trusted me.
I assumed everyone would treat me like I treated them.
But they didn’t. They don’t.
At one point, I lost $15 million because of my trust. Because, I didn’t stay true to my values.
I won’t go into the details, but I’ll tell you that it could’ve been avoided. I could’ve paid attention to the signs.
Instead, I ignored them. I let my ego take over. I convinced myself that everything would be fine. And, by doing that, I let them trample all over the things I value most.
That’s how you lose.
It doesn’t happen all at once. It happens in the small decisions that prove you don’t really care - even though you think you do.
You start losing the moment you justify the warning signs.
Make It So Simple You Can’t Hide From It
If your values aren’t clear to you, you’ll always violate them.
If they aren’t memorable, you’ll always forget them.
And if you don’t enforce your values, they don’t really exist.
Mine are Honesty, Integrity and Transparency.
HIT.
I didn’t choose them. They chose me.
Because all my habits over my adult life have proved their importance. Because I’ve paid for ignoring them - emotionally, mentally and financially.
Now, I refuse to tolerate any deviation from those values. It’s my hard red line.
I don’t care how rich you are, how famous you are, how many social followers you have. If I can’t trust you, I don’t need you in my life.
The Truth You’re Avoiding
Here’s the truth…
Every time you let something violate your values, you train yourself to ignore what you know is wrong.
In the process, you also teach everyone else that you don’t really mean what you say.
Your behavior creates the environment that reinforces the behavior.
That’s the loop.
The Pattern-Environment Loop.
And unless you interrupt it, it won’t change.
It will just become who you are.
So don’t tell me you’re a victim of other people’s behavior.
Don’t tell me you have a culture problem.
Or a people problem.
Or a communication problem.
You have a standards problem.
What Are You Still Tolerating?
So here is my question for you:
What are your non-negotiables?
Not the ones you post on the wall - the ones you’ll fall on a sword for.
And, more importantly, what are you tolerating right now that violates them?
Because that’s not a small issue.
That’s the start of where it all ends.
P.S. The patterns you’re tolerating right now won’t disappear on their own. But they do become visible - fast - when you know where to look.
That’s exactly what the free Leadership Diagnostic Workshop is for.
Secure your spot here →