335. Working With Narcissists: A Survival Guide
In the circus of narcissists, your job is not to tame the lion. Just don’t be the clown. This article will tell you how.
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My name is Jeff Matlow. I am a coach. I help leaders and their teams solve big problems fast. Learn how to sleep better at night
Working with a narcissist is like living in a Salvador Dali painting: you understand what’s happening, but it’s an oddly distorted view of reality.
I’ve worked with narcissists before. I’ve banged my head against that same wall as you. I know you’re pain.
Although I’m a leadership coach, I won’t coach narcissists. I don’t even try.
I do, however, coach the people who work with them, because it’s easy to feel like you’re crazy when you’re working with a narcissist.
To be clear, you’re not crazy.
Well, probably not.
I mean, even if you are crazy, it’s probably not much and I’m sure it’s a very low-key congenial type of crazy.
You know what, I probably shouldn’t be diagnosing you. I don’t even know how we got to this point. Stop distracting me.
OK, where was I? Oh yeah, narcissists.
Here’s an important thing to know if you’ve ever worked with a narcissist:
Narcissists won’t change, so stop trying to convince yourself that you can fix them. You can’t.
The only thing that can - and should - change, is the way you interact with them. But I’m going to explain that in a second.
First, let’s talk about the three types of narcissists.
The Three Types of Narcissists
When it comes right down to it, narcissists are simply flawed humans who refuse to accept their flaws.
They barely even recognize their flaws enough to accept them. Their entire identity revolves around being perceived as perfect, powerful, and successful. Nothing else matters.
Because of this, narcissists rarely admit mistakes. To do so would threaten their carefully crafted self-perception of perfection.
Sometimes they even have to rewrite reality to feed their ego and adhere to their need for control. (Refer back to the Salvador Dali analogy.)
This process of “making up facts” is frustrating for the rest of us, but the narcissists don’t care. We aren’t their concern. By the very definition of the word, narcissists are only concerned with themselves.
It doesn’t mean a narcissist can’t be kind. They can be. In fact, they are some of the most charismatic people around. To understand that, you need to know the three types of narcissists. Let’s just jump into that pool now.
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1. The Grandiose Narcissist
The Grandiose Narcissist is the stereotypical image of a narcissist. They are overtly arrogant and constantly seeking attention. They act entitled because they feel entitled. It’s annoying for many reasons, not the least of which is that they constantly crave praise. There’s never enough to feed that insatiable ego.
That said, many Grandiose Narcissists can come across as highly charming and charismatic. But don’t be fooled - it’s just self-serving behavior.
Example: The loud leader who steamrolls meetings, claims they are never wrong, and takes credit for things they didn’t do.
2. The Vulnerable (or Covert) Narcissist
The Vulnerable Narcissist is so insecure, they become hypersensitive to criticism. They may come off as shy, but don’t be fooled, it’s all a hoax. They are simply hiding their obsession with how they are viewed by others.
Unfortunately, this mindset eventually leads to passive-aggressive behavior as a way for them to lash out.
Example: That colleague who sulks when they don’t get the praise they crave. They often feel like they were criticized even when they weren’t.
3. The Communal Narcissist
Though they seem kind on the surface and tend to help others, the communal narcissist believes they are morally superior. Their seemingly kind behavior is simply a way for them to get recognition.
Example: The leader who doesn’t stop talking about the people they’ve mentored or saved or who wouldn’t be where they are if it weren’t for them.
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The Most Annoying Thing About Narcissists
For me, the most annoying thing about narcissists is the way they tell lies and rewrite history to fill their need to be right and to get praise.
They say what they are going to do and then lie about what they did, claiming they’ve been transparent the entire time.
In the work world, they’re the leaders who will make promises or set bold visions, and then deny they ever made the promises once they don’t come to fruition.
And therein lies the challenge of working with a narcissist - you have to listen to them, but it’s hard to believe them.
You need to take them seriously, but it’s futile to take them literally.
They constantly shift the narrative to protect their image
They overpromise publicly, then deny their commitments privately
They take credit for success and blame others for failure
They distort facts and are masters of fomenting frustration with their employees.
In the end, even though you know the truth of what happened, but you can’t beat them in a battle about reality.
You Can’t Change Narcissists, But You Can Change How You Respond
Narcissism can’t be fixed. If you are staying in your job due to some codependent urge to fix your leader, you are digging your own codependent grave. Maybe it’s time to consider leaving.
Though you can’t fix narcissists, you can manage the way you respond to them. Here’s how:
Create Boundaries
Clearly define your responsibilities (in writing), and stay in your lane. Stay clear of the drama.
Document Everything
Write down clear, fact-driven, non-emotional records of decisions, agreements, expectations, and assignments. When your the narcissist tries to rewrite history, calmly show them your documentation that supports the true story.
Ask for Clarity Publicly
If there is an important deadline or project, get the information in group emails, group chats, or a group meeting. Having others part of it will reduce the future gaslighting.
Believe
Trust your perception and validate your feelings with a trusted person.
Never Personalize or Internalize Their Behavior
The crazy things they say and do are not about your performance; the manipulation is about their own insecurity. Try to remember that. Don’t take it personally.
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You can’t take the narcissistic tendencies out of the narcissists. It’s nearly impossible, and it’s not your job. Your job is to stay sane and productive despite the narcissistic mumbo-jumbo.
The Bright Side Of Working With Narcissists
Working with narcissists is exhausting, I know. But there’s a bright side to all of this:
It forces you to define who you want to be, how you want to lead, and what you will no longer tolerate. In fact, I’ve learned more about leadership by working with narcissists than I did from most of my other bosses.
In a way, working with a narcissist is a gift. It gives you an opportunity to grow as a leader faster than you can otherwise. Granted, it may include a bit more banging your head against the wall than you’d like - but eventually your brains will stop rattling around.
Sometimes the best leadership lessons come from those who were never great leaders in the first place.
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Nice post. I have found that working for a narcissist can be a challenge, but they are pretty predictable; you have to understand where they are coming from. I am not talking about empathy, but realizing that they are there to serve themselves. Self-preservation is the key. They will lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want, and take you down with them. It is like trying to handle a rattlesnake. Stop that, don't try. They prey on the weak. You can't help them or change them; you can only survive them. Know where the rattlesnake is at all times and keep out of biting distance, and keep some antivenom handy. What I wonder is what that says about an organization where these leaders thrive?
So true, and I’ve met many narcissists. It’s the shifting versions of the truth that boggle my brain. How can people behave like that?