I know a guy who is really proud of how direct he is.
He says things like, “I just tell it like it is,” and “people always know what I think about them.”
He says these things like they’re describing one of his greatest strengths.
And maybe it is.
Or maybe he’s just an asshole.
Okay, that’s a little harsh.
But I’ve worked with a lot of leaders who pride themselves on being direct, and I’ve noticed something kind of interesting about them.
They’re often so focused on telling the truth that they don’t pay much attention to whether anybody’s actually listening to them.
The Other End of the Spectrum
And then there are the people at the complete other end of the spectrum.
They’re the ones who will do just about anything to avoid an uncomfortable conversation.
I bet you know your fair share of those people too.
They soften their feedback so much it sounds more like praise than constructive feedback. They’re the ones who tell you everything’s fine when it’s clearly not.
The building’s burning, but they call it being nice.
Wrong.
So what I’m saying here is that there’s one group of people that confuses honesty with effectiveness, and another group that confuses kindness with avoidance, and both of them are really screwing up communication.
The Problem with Being Direct
Here’s the problem with being direct.
Have you ever had someone come to you with a problem and you immediately know what they’re doing wrong?
Of course you have, because it happens all the time.
Think of the person who is complaining about their colleague, or about how they screwed up a project.
You can see pretty clearly the role the person played in making that problem happen.
So you tell them.
You explain exactly what they’re doing wrong, why it’s happening, and what they need to change about themselves.
And you’re absolutely, positively, a hundred percent right.
Congratulations.
You just accomplished absolutely nothing.
Because the person wasn’t coming to you for an explanation of all their behavioral failures and personality quirks. They just needed to vent.
They needed someone to understand why they were upset before they could start thinking about what they should do differently.
But you didn’t bother figuring that out, did you?
You just started talking. And then when they got defensive or shut down, you convinced yourself that they just aren’t able to hear the truth.
You know what?
Maybe you’re just not very good at delivering it.
The Problem with Avoiding Conflict
Now before all the conflict avoiders out there start feeling like you’re doing it better than the direct people — you are not off the hook yet.
I know leaders who’ll spend 45 minutes practicing what they’ll say to tell someone they’re not doing a good job. And after all that rehearsal, they’ll just end up saying something like, “I think there might be an opportunity for you to be a little more proactive sometimes.”
What the f**k does that mean?!
You’ve got an employee who’s consistently missing deadlines and you’re talking about opportunities to be more proactive. Just tell them they’re missing the f***ing deadline!
Because when you’re afraid to be direct, the other person is just going to walk away thinking everything is fine while you walk away thinking you’ve addressed the problem.
And then three weeks later, when nothing has changed at all, you’re going to be frustrated that they didn’t listen.
They didn’t listen because you didn’t actually say anything!
Avoiding the truth doesn’t protect people. It actually just takes away the opportunity for them to do something about it. And if you’re their leader, you failed at your job.
I’ve worked with leaders at both ends of the spectrum — both direct people and non-direct people — and I’ve realized that there’s a solution for both types. They’re both actually missing the same thing.
It’s this.
