292. What The Mask of Anger Is Masking

Angry leaders are hard to work for. But anger is a mask. As it turns out, it's often masking a fear of conflict. Here's how you can try to remove the mask.

Sep 30, 2024

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Anger is a mask.
Like all masks, its purpose is to hide something.

But unlike that silly Halloween mask which I still can’t believe you wore, the mask of anger is not always put on by conscious choice. Oftentimes we don our masks to mask our biggest fears.

It’s not always easy to see behind the mask.
It is especially hard when the mask is filled with anger.

Let me see if I can help.

The Primary Purpose of Anger

The primary purpose of displaying anger is to induce fear.
The primary purpose of inducing fear is to establish boundaries.

This happens all the time in the animal kingdom.

Elephants stomp.
Cats hiss.
Dogs snarl.
Honeybadgers headbutt.
And bulls snort.

They do it to set boundaries.

Leaders like Elon Musk, Steve Jobs, Jack Welch, and Gordon Ramsay do the same thing.

Yelling at and berating others is/was part of their daily regimen. Anger is a way for them to claim superiority (hashtag alphamale). Yelling is their means to set the boundaries for the behavior they want to see from others in their proverbial herd.

Heck, Gordon Ramsay built an entire career based off his ability to effectively yell and berate people in order to incite fear.

But there is another thing that each of these so-called “great leaders” fell victim to:

They each used anger as a mask to hide their fears of conflict.

Anger Is Masking A Fear Of Conflict

I know what you’re thinking because I hear it all the time in my leadership coaching business.

“There’s no way my boss has a fear of conflict - their entire personality thrives on causing conflict.”

I hate to tell you you’re wrong but, well, you’re wrong.

Expressing anger has nothing to do with addressing conflict. In fact, it’s just the opposite.

One of the easiest (though not the only) ways to identify a leader who fears conflict is to spot the leader who is verbally abusive to their employees.

Displaying animalistic acts of anger is a common behavior for people who fear conflict. As I said above, anger is a mask that hides one’s fears.

🙋🏼‍♀️ Have you ever worked with somebody who openly berates other people but will continually avoid difficult one-on-one conversations?
That’s a fear of conflict.

🙋🏽 Maybe you’ve encountered a manager who will rant on and on about how toxic or bad an employee is, yet postpone any conversation to address the issues?
Fear of conflict.

I see it all the time. In fact, I’m often hired specifically to help address the challenges of these leaders who intimidate rather than facilitate.

Criticizing others is a defense mechanism. Berating is the adult version of bullying - it’s a way to maintain a feeling of superiority. A crappy way, but a way nonetheless.

Emotional outbursts are attempts to avoid the discomfort of deeper discussions. As if yelling loud enough has ever fixed any problems without creating new ones.

Spoiler alert: It hasn’t.

It takes courage, humility and vulnerability to have deep discussions about tough topics. But it's precisely these qualities that define effective leadership.

How To Deal With An Angry Leader Who Avoids Conflict

Dealing with a leader who uses anger to avoid conflict can be incredibly challenging. It can quickly feel like an abusive relationship in which you want to either punch them or walk away. Or, usually, both.

However, it is possible to create a better working environment without punching anybody in the face. Keep in mind, I didn’t say it was easy, I just said it was possible.

Let me give you a few tips and tricks.

1. It’s Not You, It’s Them

Remember, their anger isn’t about your behavior, it’s about their issues. I’m not saying your behavior is perfect, what I am saying is that their reaction to your behavior is far from perfect.

So when your leader is being loud, stay calm.
When they berate you, keep your emotions in check.

2. It’s Weakness, Not Strength

Anger is the result of fear, insecurity or stress. Sometimes a calm, supporting response can go a long way.

“I see where you are coming from. That’s a good idea. I will try it out.”

3. Have The Tough Conversation

Find a calm moment and start the tough conversation yourself, because you know they won’t.

Oh, and remember to use “I” statements.

“I am concerned when conversations become heated because it really impacts the team’s productivity. I would love to get your thoughts on how we can avoid that.”

4. Set Your Boundaries

Let them know, as respectfully as possible, how their behavior is unhelpful.

"I understand this is important, but I respond better to conversational feedback, not yelling.”

5. Embrace Your Inner Pavlov

Acknowledge when the leader handles a situation well.
Reward them with positive feedback.
It works with animals, it can work with leaders.

6. Get Help

If the anger is abusive or the leader creates a toxic environment, involve human resources or get guidance from a coach or mentor.

7. Protect Your Mental Health

Balance your emotional health with stress-free activities. Make time to be with family, exercise daily, continue your crocheting hobby, whatever it takes. You do you, baby.

And if you truly can’t stand the environment, get the heck outta Dodge.

Oh, also, read “It Ends With Us” for a little bit of perspective on abusive relationships.

[Editor’s Note: you may need a bigger box of tissue at the end]

You Can Help Remove The Mask Of Anger

While you can't control someone else's anger, you can control how you respond to it. By knowing that anger is just a shield to mask one’s fears, you have the unique opportunity to help remove the mask.

When they get angry, you get calm.
When they berate, you empathize.

You have a choice.
Choose to be the one who sets boundaries.
Choose to be the one who initiates complex conversations.
Choose to be the one to transform the toxic workplace into a healthy home.

Anybody can beat their chest, hiss or headbutt. It takes a true leader to tackle the tough topics with tranquility.

Be that leader.
Take off that mask.