311. The Fine Line Between Being A Leader And Being A Jerk

The line between influence and manipulation is thinner than you think. Are you acting like a conman or inspirational leader? There are 5 ways to tell.

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In 1842, a conman stitched together the remains of a fish with the remains of a monkey and claimed it was a mermaid. He charged people money to see it and made a pretty penny off that hoax.

That wasn’t his first con. He had already figured out how to fool people into paying him.

A few years earlier, the same guy, whose name is Phineas, purchased an elderly slave and claimed she was the 161-year-old former nurse for President George Washington. He charged people to listen to her tell tales about the country’s hero.

When she died, the autopsy revealed that she was younger than 80.
No worries. Phineas had already made a veritable fortune off of her.

On to the next con.

His deceptions made him so much money that, in 1871, he put all of his hoaxes together and made a road show out of it. He called it “Phineas Taylor Barnum’s Grand Traveling Museum, Menagerie, Caravan & Hippodrome.” Shortly thereafter, he merged with James Bailey’s Circus.

And that’s how the Barnum & Bailey Circus was born.

P.T. Barnum has gone down in history as a great businessman. But was he also a good leader or simply a colossal jerk?

The answer is…. well... it’s complicated.

But it’s an important distinction for you to understand in your life.

When A Good Leader Turns Out To Be A Jerk

A few years back I was running the sales department for a large organization. My boss asked me to focus the team’s efforts on one specific product line, virtually ignoring the others.

“We’ll have more success selling that product,” he said. “It’s important to the company.”

As a company guy who wants to do good, I refocused the team accordingly. Though the product was difficult to sell, we eventually got into a groove and gained some traction.

Sometime later, I learned something that has been stuck in my craw for all these years - and I’m not sure where the craw is on my body, so I really want to find it and remove this.

It turns out that this change in sales focus wasn’t because of a company directive at all. It was because my boss had a side deal in which he personally benefited from the sales of that product.

Thanks to my team, he had a very lucrative year, while the sales team didn’t benefit any more than they would’ve had they been selling any other product line.

And this brings us to the question that I wanted to ask in the first place:

Where does the leadership line lie between influence and manipulation?

In other words, when is somebody being a good leader, and when are they just being a jerk?

Influence vs. Manipulation

To answer this question, we first need to know the difference between influence and manipulation. Unfortunately, that’s where things get a little mushy.

Here’s a definition that lots of people use:

Influence is when you guide people to a goal with trust and transparent communication. It’s a win-win.

Manipulation is using deceit or pressure to get what you want. It’s a win-lose.

But there’s a problem with these widely used definitions, and it’s demonstrated with both P.T. Barnum and my former boss. The problem is that you can clearly manipulate people and still have a win-win scenario.

So let me present to you my new distinction between influence and manipulation. Here it is:

Influence builds relationships while manipulation exploits them.

In other words, the difference between influence and motivation is less about the ultimate intention and more about each party’s perception of the other.

For instance, with my previous boss, the perception at the time was that we were helping grow the company. The sales team succeeded. The team members made their commission. It all seemed like a positive influence. A win-win.

It wasn’t until later when we learned of the boss’ true intention to line his pockets that our perception changed to a feeling of manipulation. It didn’t change the win-win, it just changed our perception of it.

You may feel somebody is influencing you, only to discover later that they manipulated you. Or vice versa.

It happens all the time.

As it turns out, there are 5 behaviors that define the fine line between influence and manipulation.

The 5 Differences Between Influence and Manipulation

These are the five behaviors that separate an influential leader from a manipulative jerk.

1. Intent

Influencers lead, manipulators control

Example: An influential leader encourages a team to embrace a new initiative while a manipulator guilt-trips them into doing it.

2. Transparency

Influencers are an open book, manipulators have a hidden agenda

Example: A CEO transparently explains the reason for a restructuring while a manipulator will spin a story to keep the calm.

3. Emotion

Influencers use inspiration, manipulators use exploitation

Example: A leader says, “This is a challenge, but I believe in you” while a manipulator says “If you don’t do this, we’re all screwed.”

4. Choice

Influencers empower people, manipulators back them into a corner

Example: A manager gives employees the freedom to try new ideas while a manipulator guilts them into working late.

5. Long-Term vs. Short-Term Gain

Influencers build trust and loyalty, manipulators get short-term compliance

Example: Employees will follow an influential leader because they want to, but they comply with a manipulative boss because they have to.

Are You An Influencer Or A Jerk?

P.T. Barnum was a master manipulator - I think we can both agree on that. Sure, he had a unique ability to capture attention, but his success wasn’t built on mutual respect. He exploited people’s curiosity for personal gain.

Yes, he was a great businessman, but he was a jerk of a leader.

It’s sometimes hard to tell the difference between influence and manipulation when you’re looking from the outside.

• Both get results

• Both can inspire action

• Both can even create short-term wins for everyone involved.

But it’s a focus on long-term trust and respect that creates a positive perception and separates the influencer from the master manipulator.

Yes, my boss got us to sell an underserved product. But his manipulation caused us to lose our loyalty to him for the rest of our lifetimes.

Remember, unlike P.T. Barnum, your legacy won’t be judged by how many people bought a ticket — it’ll be judged by how many people chose to stay and play in your circus.

The bullhorn is yours.

Be careful what you say.

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