331. The Confidence Gap & The Reason Women Have Less Confidence Than Men
Success is partly about luck. As it turns out, confident people tend to have more luck than others. And that's where the Confidence Gap becomes a problem
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My name is Jeff Matlow. I help leaders solve big problems fast.
My friend Ellen Miller is a rock star. And I mean that quite literally.
Ellen is a mountaineer who has accomplished some of the most impressive feats in the history of high-altitude mountain climbing.
For instance, she is the first - and only - American woman to summit Everest from both the North and South routes, she was the first American woman to climb the “Himalayan Triple Crown,” and she is only the 21st person to have ever summited Nuptse.
She’s also one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Assuming you were to meet her.
As it turns out, her experience explains a lot about your career path.
But we’ll talk about that in a second. First, let’s take a trip to Cornell.
The Confidence Gap
In 2003, David Dunning was a professor of psychology at Cornell University. His biggest claim to fame is the Dunning-Krueger Effect. If you’ve heard of that, you probably think that’s the direction this conversation is going. It’s not. (Feel free to read my rant about the Dunning-Krueger Effect here.)
Instead, I want to talk about Dunning’s second biggest claim to fame. It’s based on a study he did with his graduate student, Joyce Ehrlinger.
Joyce and David decided to conduct a study about confidence and self-evaluation.
The details of the study are less important than the results. What they discovered is that one’s confidence and self-evaluation are not always aligned with one’s competence.
More importantly, they uncovered this fascinating tidbit:
Despite being equally competent, women tend to underestimate their abilities and performance, while men overestimate theirs.
This is known as the Confidence Gap.
And you need to understand it, because it’s the source of big problems.
The Importance of Bridging The Confidence Gap
Confidence matters.
You know this, but you don’t always remember it. So I’m reminding you.
You’re welcome.
People are attracted to people who are confident. We follow leaders because of their confidence. We vote for politicians because of their confidence.
The reason why confidence matters is that confident people are more likely to succeed.
It’s true.
Increasing confidence leads to greater risk-taking, and that increases your visibility, which then allows you to get more opportunities.
Low confidence does exactly the opposite. You remain hidden.
And that’s the problem - and the reason that Dunning and Ehrlinger’s finding is so gosh darn important.
The Confidence Problem With Women
I’m a leadership coach for mid- to enterprise-level companies. As it so happens, many of my clients are female execs at Fortune 500s.
When it comes to my female clients, the most prevalent issue I work with is, you guessed it, the Confidence Gap.
Hewlett-Packard conducted a study that is pretty darn eye-opening. They found that women applied for promotions only when they believed they had met 100% of the job qualifications. Men, however, applied when they met only 60% of the qualifications.
Women often feel they need to prepare more, perfect their skills, and avoid all mistakes before they even consider seeking a promotion.
That’s the Confidence Gap.
This issue was proven in 2014 by Katty Kay and Claire Shipman in a study that found that women consistently rated themselves lower in confidence than their male peers, despite having similar or superior qualifications.
Remember, a confident person with less skills is more likely to be promoted than a less confident person with greater skills.
And that’s the problem with women (leaders).
I’m not saying this is why more men are in senior leadership positions; I’m just saying it doesn’t help matters.
And this brings me back to my friend, the rock star, Ellen Miller.
The Kids’ Confidence Gap
From the moment my wife and I had our daughter, Ellen professed to me the importance of rock climbing for girls.
At first, I didn’t understand why she was pushing rock climbing so much. But when my daughter turned five and I first took her to a climbing gym, I suddenly got it.
Rock climbing is about strength - mental and physical. Strength builds confidence in women.
Rock climbing is about problem-solving. Effective problem solving builds confidence in women, too.
Rock climbing is about setting a challenging goal and using your body and mind to overcome obstacles and achieve success.
I immediately reached out to Ellen from that first trip to the climbing gym.
I understood why she dedicated her life to climbing to the top of the world.
My daughter was not just climbing rocks, she was setting herself up to bridge the confidence gap.
And this brings us to the point where we build the bridge to you.
Closing the Confidence Gap
Here’s the cold, hard truth:
Confidence is not something you’re born with.
Confidence is something you build. It’s like a muscle that gets stronger the more you exercise it.
If you don’t practice confidence consistently, that muscle will atrophy faster than a grape turns into a raisin in the brutal heat of Death Valley.
Here’s the thing… I like you. I believe in you. I want you to have more confidence.
So let me tell you five things I coach my clients to do when it comes to increasing confidence. These five things work. They work for women. They work for men. They work for everyone.
Here they are:
1. Take Action Before You Feel Ready
Waiting until you’re “ready” is a devil’s game. You’ll never be ready - there will always be something else to improve upon. So apply for the job even though you don’t meet all the qualifications. Speak up in the meeting even if your idea isn’t fully baked. Just taking the action will help build your confidence.
2. Focus On Your Strengths
Write down three things you are better at than anyone else on your team. (Yes, I’m serious. Write them down. Now.) Review this list whenever you’re having doubts. Whether it’s before meetings, when you have to make decisions, when you need to have tough conversations, whenever doubt creeps in. Confidence grows when you wear your superhero undies. Metaphorically, of course. I mean, I’m not always wearing superhero undies every day. Why would I do that? I don’t do that.
3. Reframe Failure
People often think failure is the opposite of success. It’s not. You’re wrong. Failure is actually an important step in success. Don’t let failure be your confidence kryptonite. When you consciously reframe failure, it will build your confidence.
4. Get Feedback (From People You Trust)
Ask three people you respect to each describe your leadership strengths in 3 to 6 words. You’ll not only notice commonality, but you’ll be shocked at the things they see in you that you don’t see in yourself. Positive feedback is a ladder to raise confidence.
5. Find Your Climbing Wall
Yeah, you can go climb a wall. But I mostly mean this metaphorically. Find your version of rock climbing – an activity or challenge that pushes your mind and body to grow in unison. Maybe it’s Peloton classes or core fitness. Maybe it's an accountability group or a coach who is really good at bringing the superhero leader out of you. (This guy comes highly recommended as a leadership coach who gets quick results)
Completing The Confidence Gap
Confidence isn’t about knowing you will succeed. It’s about knowing you’ll be okay even if you don’t succeed.
Ellen didn’t summit Everest because she was certain she’d get to the top. She did it because she was certain she could handle whatever obstacles were thrown her way.
She had confidence. She bridged the gap.
And that’s what I want for you.
Remember, the goal is not to eliminate fear. The goal is to build confidence big enough to let it lift you up above the fear and achieve new heights.
Your future self is waiting.
So lift that chin, push back those shoulders, and set your sights on the top of your mountain.
Now let’s start climbing.
*Thank you to loyal reader Lisa McCoy for inspiring this article!
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Great post.
However, when women act confidently in the workplace they are described as bossy.
When men act confidently, they are described as great leaders.
No idea what the answer to all this is, but I liked your article.