368. You Hate The Answer As Much As The Problem

You think you just need to change your behavior. But that won't last. The real reason you stay stuck is something else entirely.

Let’s call her Maria, because how do you solve a problem like Maria?

[Editors Note: 🙄]

Maria was the VP of Product at a Fortune 1000, and she had a problem.

Her team wasn’t nearly as productive as they needed to be. It seemed like nobody ever took ownership, decisions took forever to get made, and her group’s projects continually got delayed.

The ripple effect was turning into a tsunami.
Maria had run out of ideas on how to get her team to work better.

That’s when she called me.
She thought team coaching could help.

It was a good idea.
Just the wrong one.

The Real Problem With Maria

Maria is smart and self-aware. She knew who she was.
Kind of.

In just one conversation, she recognized her part in the dynamic. She had to do a better job at setting clear expectations and enforcing boundaries. In order to do that, she needed to have difficult conversations with three specific people on her team.

Simple enough, right?
Wrong.
But not for the reasons you think.

—

“So why haven’t you had those conversations yet?” I asked Maria.

She paused, either in thought or avoidance. Probably both.

“I hate confrontation,” she finally admitted, with her eyes cast down.

For the record, a lot of people hate confrontation. Not a lot will own it. Yay Maria.

But there’s a more important issue Maria uncovered that she didn’t even recognize.

She hated the problem she was having, but she also hated the solution.

And that, my friend, is the Double Hater Dilemma.

Where You’re Doing This Right Now

Once you start looking for the Double Hater Dilemma, you’ll see it everywhere.

The founder who won’t let go because they “care about quality” while being frustrated that nobody takes pride in their work.

The leader who won’t say no because they’re “always helpful” but is overwhelmed because they’re too busy to actually help anyone.

The boss who won't acknowledge employees because they "shouldn’t have to be so needy" and gets angry at their team when nobody feels valued.

The partner who won’t bring up problems because they’re “really easy going” but is full of resentment that’s destroying the relationship.

Raise your hand if you’ve experienced any one of those.
Yeah, I thought so.

How You Destroy Who You Want To Be

Let’s go back to Maria for a second.

“I’m not the kind of leader who pushes people a lot,” she told me during one of our conversations. “I don’t think it benefits anyone to add more tension.”

Did you notice what she said there?
Only her first sentence describes who she is. The second sentence describes who she’s NOT.

There’s a huge difference.

“I’m not the kind of person who creates tension” is not an identity.
It’s a fear.

You can’t build your identity on the fear of who you might become.

When someone says “I’m not the kind of person who…,” they’re not describing who they are. They’re describing what they’re afraid of becoming.

That’s the trap of the Double Hater Dilemma.

You think you’re protecting who you are by avoiding the things you hate. Instead, you’re just destroying who you want to be.

What Happened With Maria

Ok, one more thing about Maria.

I asked her, “What kind of leader do you actually want to be?”

“I want to be the kind of leader who cares about people and gets results.” she said.

That is a powerful and commendable identity.
There’s only one problem.

A leader who cares about people and gets results, can’t avoid hard conversations. Maria was avoiding hard conversations.

Once she recognized that (and got over the shock), everything clicked for her.

She wasn’t protecting her identity by avoiding confrontation. She was destroying it.

I taught her the CARE approach to mastering difficult conversations and within a week - whamo! - everything shifted.

The way out of the Double Hater Dilemma isn’t about changing how you do things. It’s about understanding who you are.

The Question Your Dilemma Is Asking

There’s something else about the Double Hater Dilemma you need to know: it’s not actually a dilemma.

[Editor’s Note: plot twist]

It’s a question.

The question is: which identity are you protecting - the fake future one you built out of fear, or the real one you actually value?

Maria thought her identity was "not confrontational." But her real identity was someone who "cares about people and gets results."

Now let’s talk about you.

The Two Questions That Break The Loop

Think about the thing you complain about the most - the problem you hate living with that has a solution you procrastinate on implementing.

There’s a reason you’re not fixing the problem. So answer these questions:

1. What kind of person do you think you are?
   Finish this: “I am the kind of person who…”

2. What kind of person do you NOT want to be?
   Finish this: “I’m not the kind of person who…”

3. Now rewrite #2 as “I am fearful of becoming somebody who…”

That’s the start. The rest of the path is in the Double Hater Breakthrough Toolkit (below).

Hit reply and tell me: what's the thing you hate living with, that has a solution you keep avoiding? I read and respond to every message. (And sometimes use the conversation as inspiration.)

You Can’t Have Both

You can’t solve the Double Hater Dilemma by choosing between the two things you hate. You solve it by realizing the identity you’re protecting is stopping you from being the person you actually want to be.

So you have to decide:

Do you want to be the person who protects a fake future identity and stays stuck?
Or the one who lives your real identity and solves the problem?

You can’t be both.

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P.S. The hardest part of the Double Hater Dilemma isn't seeing it. It's knowing which identity you're actually protecting. That's what the Double Hater Breakthrough Toolkit is designed to show you.

The Double Hater Breakthrough Toolkit walks you through the exact process I use with leaders at early stage to Fortune 100s.

It includes:

• Complete diagnostic

• Identity decoder worksheets

• Real-time pattern-breaking strategies

INNER CIRCLE MEMBERS (aka paid subscribers) get all toolkits and resources for free! Become a member now and get the Double Hater Toolkit AND the CARE Conversation Toolkit for free