264. Sorry, Not Sorry: The Female Leader's Dilemma
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My name is Jeff Matlow. I’m a leadership coach for female executives and growth-stage entrepreneurs.
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The Problem We Need To Address
First of all, let me apologize.
I know you have a lot going on and this is probably the last thing you want to hear.
I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but there’s a problem with women in the workplace. And we need to address it now.
I mean, if you’re ok with that.
If not, we can wait.
The Problem With Women Leaders
This all starts with a coaching client of mine.
She is a high-powered, highly intelligent, highly accomplished woman who has yet to reach the pinnacle of her career trajectory.
A few days ago she sent me this text.
“I’m sorry to ask you this,” the message said. “But do you by any chance have time to review the document I just sent to you? If you can do it by tomorrow that would be great. But I know you’re busy so if you don’t have time, that’s fine.”
“Of course I can!” I replied.
And I proceeded to review the document.
You see, she was having a few issues at work and she wanted to address them with her boss who, for the record, is a man. The document she sent me was an email outlining a few of her concerns. This includes:
Not being invited to leadership meetings that include her male peers
Making personnel changed in her department without her input or approval
Misogynistic behavior towards other women at the company
And, for the coup de grace, she was getting compensated 30% less than her male counterparts, despite her having more responsibility than most of them.
I think we can all agree that each of those, individually and collectively, is worthy of being addressed.
So I read the draft of the email she wanted to send to her boss. Here’s how it began:
“I know this isn’t the best time for you, considering the family issues you’re dealing with, but I would like to put a few things on your radar…”
I stopped reading.
I suddenly realized something important.
Even though my client is a strong and introspective leader, her behavior is working against her. She is perpetuating the very issues that are plaguing her.
In fact, she has fallen victim to one of the most prevalent behaviors that plague women leaders:
Women apologize too much at work.
Women Apologize More
Women apologize more than men.
That’s just a fact.
It’s been proven numerous times in numerous studies.
Apologizing is good.
It shows consideration for others.
It’s a sign of empathy.
Over-apologizing is bad. It leads to three bad things.
But I’ll talk about those in a minute.
First, let’s talk about apologizing.
The Reasons People Apologize
In general, people tend to apologize when they do things that they believe could be offensive to another person. Men and women are the same in this regard.
A 2010 study found that both men and women apologized equally - 81% of the time - when they thought they did something offensive.
Makes you think that men and women act similarly, doesn’t it? Well, don’t be fooled by that nonsense.
Though both genders tend to apologize when they do something that could be viewed as offensive, there is a meaningful difference in what men and women consider to be offensive.
You see, to determine whether somebody could be offended by your actions, you must be able to put yourself in their proverbial shoes. In other words, you’ve gotta have empathy.
Apologizing is a sign of empathy. But I already told you that.
Women, as it turns out, are more empathetic than men. Men are cold-hearted, self-centered sonsabitches.
[Editor’s Note: yeah, so we’re gonna remove that last sentence in the redraft]
Because women are more empathetic, they have a lower threshold for what they consider to be offensive behavior. And because of this lower threshold, they apologize more than their male counterparts.
To recap for those with attention challenges:
More empathy is good.
But when it leads to more apologizing, that’s bad.
Wait, there’s more...
Women Apologize About Self-Esteem
The other problem revolves around self-esteem. Particularly, the low kind.
There are two reasons people may have low self-esteem:
Genetics
Environment
I’m not going to talk about genetics right now ‘cause I’m not a scientist or a psychiatrist, and I’m definitely not a geneticist. In fact, I’m not any type of -ist. I’m just a dude who writes The Best Leadership Newsletter Ever, just started a YouTube channel and is a leadership coach.
[Editor’s Note: I see what you did there]
Lack of -ist aside, let’s talk about some environmental stressors that cause low self-esteem.
One environment that impacts self-esteem is when you are part of a small minority amidst a larger group. Another stressor is when you feel that you are being inappropriately judged for being in said minority.
As it turns out, women leaders are a distinct minority in most organizations. As it also turns out, they are often judged as being less capable than their male colleagues.
Enter low self-esteem.
As you probably guessed by this point, one way people deal with low self-esteem is by apologizing profusely.
When that voice inside your head says “I should’ve been better”, or “I should’ve recognized that earlier”, it’s natural to externalize that disappointment by over-apologizing.
Not good.
Not good at all.
The Three Effects of Over-Apologizing
As I mentioned above, and you hopefully paid attention long enough to remember, apologizing is good.
Saying “I’m sorry” actually improves your likeability.
But over-apologizing is bad. There are three bad effects of over-apologizing (see, I told you we’d come back to it). They are:
People think of you as weak
People think of you as lacking confidence
People think you keep doing things wrong
In a nutshell, over-apologizing will negatively impact how much others trust and respect you.
Including your boss. And senior management. And your subordinates. Basically everyone - it negatively impacts how everyone trusts and respects you.
The Apology Message
Back to my client.
I’m not implying that the misogynistic behavior she is experiencing is her fault.
It absolutely isn’t.
But her profusely apologetic behavior is helping to perpetuate the notion that she is weak, lacks confidence, and doesn’t have the leadership strength of her male colleagues.
She is not weak, she does not lack confidence and she can run leadership circles around her colleagues. Assuming, of course, that leadership is a circle.
I could almost guarantee that her male counterparts would not apologize if they discovered they were being massively underpaid.
The males would not apologize if they were omitted from meetings with their peers. And they surely would not apologize for speaking their mind and standing up for themselves.
Women shouldn’t apologize for any of that stuff either.
Women tend to be great leaders partly because they are naturally empathetic. But in the wise words of the sage prophet, Jerry Garcia, “Every silver lining’s got a touch of grey.”
In this instance, the silver lining of empathy oftentimes leads to the grey of over-apology.
In the end, here’s what I’m asking:
If you’re a female leader, be more mindful of your communication at work. Do you recognize yourself apologizing a lot? If so, stop.
If your situation is unfair, you have every right to be pissed about it without apology.
I’m pissed too.
I’m pissed at how you’re being treated.
And I’m pissed that you’re apologizing for being pissed.
So stand up for yourself.
Please.
Oh, and I’m sorry if this annoyed you.
I apologize. I can take it back if you want.
If anything I said above resonates with you, schedule a free chat. I can help.
Somewhat Relevant Quote
“Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths.”
Lois Wyse - advertising executive, author, non-apologizer
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When I worked “out there” I never once felt oppressed. Neither did any of the other women I worked with. It was never a topic.
But now everyone talks about misogyny.
It’s shoved down your throat.
If you believe it, then you will experience it.
Ever corner you turn you’ll look for it.
Your clients concerns should be addressed but why not address them as a employee, an equal, not as a woman.
Approach things from that perspective, not oh it must be because I’m a woman.
Men get treated unfairly as well or maybe she’s not really that good at her job or…
There’s many other possible reasons.
If she wants to move up, she could ask what she needs to do, then take that advice or go to another company that will appreciate her.
I do agree, the apologies your client throws out are unnecessary, and it does show weakness, so hmm maybe that’s her problem- she’s weak, lacks self confidence and that’s not admired in the workplace!
Let’s build strong people.
Of course there are racists and homophones out there and people who don’t like women but it’s not as common as the media has you believe.
But.. if you look for it, you’ll find it.
Example: There was an incident where I pulled a women out of a training classroom because her ride had come early and she needed to go.
Later I find out the same woman was causing a problem with the instructor . He was black
He was mad because he believed a white woman (me) took control of the situation because I thought he (a black male) couldn’t handle it. I was expressing my white power!
WTF?
I had no idea there was a conflict between them, I simply pulled her out because her ride was waiting.
This was all in his head.
Somewhere he was taught, that he was inferior to whites.
Why don’t we stop spreading this BS that the world is against you.
I have 2 Puerto Rican friends that use racism every-time something doesn’t go their way..
If they get fired, it’s because they are Latino. If someone is rude it’s cause they are Latino.
On and on.
No maybe you suck at your job and rude people are rude to everyone.
It’s a constant victimhood, blame game.
The media and current administration perpetuates this idea.
Again it’s not as common as you think, and it also has to do with where you live.
I live in Florida, not many issues here, but if I go to Atlanta Ga, holt crap- white chick bad!
It’s all taught behavior. And if you’re in an environment where you feel uncomfortable- leave.